Relationship Romance: What is Romance in a Relationship?

Romance is often the fire that keeps a relationship burning, both physically and emotionally. As our relationships go on, sometimes we can set relationship romance on the back burner. But with a little time and attention, we can boost the romance in our relationship — and have a lot of fun while doing it. 

“Cultural idealism aside, romance at its heart is about the desire for affection with your partner, usually through thoughtful gestures that aim to foster togetherness and elicit a positive and loving response,” says Dr. Jacqui Gabb, Professor of Sociology and Intimacy at The Open University.

“In our Enduring Love? study, we found that it was often everyday interactions that were far more appreciated by couples than grandiose gestures,” she adds. “It’s these small, daily romantic gestures that help sustain healthy, loving relationships way beyond Valentine’s Day.”

What is romance in a relationship?

Romance in a relationship is when two people express and feel intimacy, passion, and affection toward each other. Romance can be expressed in small, simple ways or more exciting, sweeping gestures. Romantic relationships need to be worked at. Sometimes it starts strong but dwindles if efforts aren’t made. Enhancing romance can increase connection, intimacy, and a feeling of being loved and accepted in a relationship. 

Why romance is important?

Romantic love is essential in a relationship because it allows us to feel close, connected, and accepted by our partner. It fosters intimacy and a feeling of togetherness and love. Without romance, a long-term relationship can start to feel stale, boring, or distant. 

How to be romantic in a relationship

Bringing back romance to your relationship or enhancing what’s already there is a great way to build intimacy, connection, and strength together. 

“Romance isn’t necessarily fancy dates, rose petals, candle lights, or love notes,” says Adam Smithey, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Certified Gottman Therapist. “Romance can take many forms: a good morning kiss, a random text message in the middle of the day, or bringing your partner’s favorite snack home without them asking.”

Luckily, there are small and big ways to be romantic in your relationship. 

1. Listen and connect

“Next time you want to be romantic, think small,” says Smithey. “Ask your partner how their day went and be genuinely curious. Put down your phone, check out of work, turn off Netflix, and turn toward your partner with all your attention.” By taking this time to tune into your partner, you show them that you love and appreciate them, and care about them on a deeper level – leading to more intimacy. 

2. Remember small touches

Holding hands, a cuddle or sharing a kiss can be ways to build relationship romance, says Smithey. Physical touch in a relationship doesn’t always mean sex. Even putting your arms around them can be a way to connect and boost romance. 

3. Practice their Love Language

Your partner might think that unloading the dishwasher demonstrates love. Or maybe you think telling your girlfriend that she looks beautiful is enough to make her swoon. But oftentimes, how we want to feel love is different than our partner. Consider learning their love language and taking time to do things that help them feel loved. 

4. Engage in small moments

Whether it’s making their favorite cup of coffee or asking an open-ended question, small gestures of love often bring back romance in a relationship. These actions might seem simple but they take constant diligence and intention. Being romantic is a way of life, and shouldn’t be contained just for special occasions such as Valentine's Day or an anniversary. 

5. Plan regular dates

Regular date nights, such as once a month, can enhance the romance in a relationship. Life gets busy, especially if you work a demanding job or have children. But taking time out of your everyday life to be together can enhance the romance and intimacy in your relationship. To keep it budget-friendly, play a board game or try an adventurous date like taking a nature hike.

6. Tell them how you feel and show appreciation 

Being genuine and specific about what you appreciate about your partner can be very romantic. In a card or love letter, email, or even a text, you can describe what you appreciate or admire about them. Try to be specific so it feels genuine and sincere. Whether it’s, “I’m so thankful that you cook dinner on weeknights” or “It’s such a relief for you to handle our taxes,” a simple appreciation can go a long way. These small words of appreciation can help foster emotional intimacy with your romantic partner and boost their self-esteem. 

7. Include a grand gesture

Sometimes, especially on an anniversary or other relationship milestone, it can be invigorating to plan and experience a larger act of romance. Plan a surprise trip, take them on an exciting date, or tackle a home improvement project that’s been on the list for a while. Now and then, these acts of service give us something to look forward to and enhance the excitement in our love lives. 

8. Connect daily

Increasing romance often comes down to the daily intention of emotional connection, ensuring that your partner feels seen, heard, and understood consistently. Incorporating habits each day, such as a kiss every morning, heightens feelings of love and generates a closeness that becomes stronger and stronger. Or download the Paired app and receive daily prompts to connect with your partner. 

9. Keep track of what’s important

Whether it’s their birthday or an important work meeting they have, take time to write it down in your calendar. Remember to mention the event or celebrate it. By taking note of what’s happening in their world, you show that you care about your significant other and what’s happening in their life. Good relationships are about trust and reciprocity — so your partner should be returning this effort. 

Here’s a life hack: with the Paired app you can mark your relationship milestones (such as your anniversary, engagement, or the day you moved in together) and be reminded when that special date is approaching. 

10. Focus on the positives

Once the infatuation of early romance has waned, it’s easy to find criticism and displeasure with how our partner does something. Focusing on what they do well is often a more effective perspective. Whether you’re in a group setting or at home, speak fondly of your partner. If you need to vent about something, speak with a trusted friend or your partner.

11. Plan fun future ideas

Dreaming about the future or fun things you’d like to do with your soul mate can help build excitement. It also helps ensure two people are on the same page about what they want. 

12. Help them out

Think about something your partner would love to get help with, whether a house project or a mundane task like returning an item. Offering to help often makes a partner feel like their needs matter and are important to you. 

13. Take a trip down memory lane

Reminiscing about a special moment, trip, or activity can bring up fond memories, shared experiences, and well-loved parts of your partner. Whether it’s their sense of humor or sense of adventure, it’s fun to remember what you love so much about them. 

14. Talk about sex

While romance isn’t all about your sex life, sex is a key element in a relationship. Talk through what might be going well with your physical intimacy and ways to enhance the flavor. Make sure you both feel safe and secure before the conversation. 

15. Focus on yourself

Making time for your hobbies, exercise, friends, and personal enjoyment is essential to a balanced, healthy relationship. When we feel refreshed and confident, it can bring more mystery and energy to the relationship. And when we take care of our mental health, it also allows us to be more open and loving toward our partner. 

How do you stay romantic in a relationship?

You stay romantic in a relationship by making daily efforts to connect with your partner, engaging in physical touch (not just your sexual relationship), going on dates, practicing their love language, and remembering what’s important to them. By consistently connecting with your partner on an emotional and physical level, you keep the romance alive and ensure they know how much they mean to you.

What does romance mean to you? 

Heart-shaped chocolates? Horse-drawn carriages and moonlight walks under the stars? Your partner doing the washing up unprompted? Often it’s the small things that really keep our romantic feelings alive. 

We all have different perceptions of what romance means, but what does the Paired Community think? 

• “Romance can be a huge or small gesture. It can be buying a candy bar when you run into a store, opening a door, grabbing an arm when it’s icy, flowers, or a candlelit dinner. Either a lot of thought to make it special, or no thought, but an act of pure love.”
• “Enjoying a private moment together: silence under the stars, a slow dance, or holding hands through the park… some kind of intimate moment.”
• “Doing something loving and thoughtful for no reason.”
• “Romance is about keeping the flame alive. Surprises, adventures and always looking to impress your partner and showing how much you care.”
• “Feeling happy and inspired because of another person. A fun game that changes your lives for the better and creates fun memories.”
• “Romance means a lot. It’s an expression of your bond. To do something loving and thoughtful for your partner. To surprise them and make them feel special, cherished, and adored. Reminding them that they matter to you and are valued. The care and love is deeper than just being best friends. Romance is expressing your feelings and enjoying being in love.”
• “I love the rosey things and grand gestures, but nothing is more romantic than feeling comfortable and understood consistently. I have wanted that all my life.”
• “Something thoughtful given or done for the other person. Sweeping them off their feet with a surprise they didn’t see coming. Wanting to hold them and not let go. Quality time spent immersed in each other, just them, nothing else and no one else.”
• “Detangling my jewelry for me.”
• “To bring something extra warm and loving and hopefully sexy into the everyday.”
• “Sharing your fears and dreams and admitting I don’t know anything about relationships.”
• “When she gives me ice cream when I don’t ask for it.”
• “Being spontaneous, fun, and flirty!”
• “Romance is the little things to me. It’s the little things that shows me he genuinely cares, even if it doesn't work out entirely. It’s easy to do grand gestures, but it’s those tiny micro-expressions, the mannerisms, the inflections in his voice that show me his true love.”
• “Living my life for my wife, and striving to always do right by her.”
• “Romance to me is something that a person steps into with both feet forward, never looking back, but letting their body relax and being completely themselves without fear of judgment from the people that matter most."