How to get your wife in the mood: 20 expert tips
When it comes to the subtle science of getting in the mood, we understand that sexual desire isn’t confined to the walls of the bedroom.
The question of ‘how to get your wife in the mood’ suggests that there are tactics to getting down to it—when that’s simply not the case. Maintaining intimacy in a marriage is a daily practice, with all those little things contributing to sexual desire, intimacy, and connection.
“Maintaining intimacy in a marriage requires both effort and understanding, but it’s also one of the most rewarding aspects of a healthy relationship,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“By tuning into your wife’s emotional and physical needs, creating a romantic atmosphere, and staying mindful of how you communicate and connect, you can reignite passion and keep the bond strong. Remember, intimacy isn’t just about physical attraction; it’s about emotional closeness, mutual respect, and ensuring that both partners feel valued and desired.”
Therefore, if you simply dim the lights before taking the time to consider your wife’s wider needs… We don’t see much action happening. This is not the time to throw stones about sex drives or libidos, but the sign to create an environment where intimacy can flourish naturally, benefiting both partners.
“Every woman’s libido and preferences are unique, so be patient, attentive, and open to exploring what works best for your relationship,” says Caruso.
“By taking the time to prioritize her well-being, both inside and outside the bedroom, you’ll create a loving foundation that makes your intimate moments even more fulfilling.”
Why is my wife never in the mood?
This is a very loaded question, as criticism about a woman’s sex drive is usually not well-received.
If we’ve learned anything about female anatomy—it’s far from straightforward. While you may feel that your wife is ‘never in the mood’, it’s important to take a step back and consider the other factors at play.
“Your wife’s libido and desire are more than physical—it involves emotional, mental, and relational factors that contribute to her overall sexual desire,” says Caruso.
“Women’s libidos can fluctuate based on a range of factors, from stress and fatigue to emotional connection and self-esteem. For many women, feeling emotionally supported, appreciated, and understood can be key to feeling turned on.”
What’s your wife’s mental load looking like? If she’s so busy running around trying to balance everything, from taking care of the kids to work stress, it’s understandable she might not be in the mood for sex.
If you try to initiate sex during these stressful moments, it can feel like nothing you do is a turn-on. However, it’s important to understand the different types of sexual desire and how this can affect your sexual relationship.
“Spontaneous and responsive desire are two different ways women experience sexual arousal, and understanding this distinction is key to fostering a healthy, satisfying sexual connection,” says Caruso.
Spontaneous desire is when sexual interest arises unexpectedly, seemingly out of nowhere. It’s what many people traditionally associate with libido—the sudden urge for sex without much external prompting. Some women experience spontaneous desire regularly, but for others, this may be less frequent, especially as life gets busier or stress levels increase.
Responsive desire is more common for many women, especially in long-term relationships. This type of desire is not immediate but arises in response to external stimuli, such as physical touch, emotional connection, or a romantic environment. For women with responsive desire, being "in the mood" often follows acts of closeness and intimacy rather than preceding them. By understanding this difference, partners can focus on creating moments of connection and warmth that help foster desire naturally, instead of expecting sexual interest to appear spontaneously.
Why your wife may not be turned on
“If you have to ask, “Why is my wife never in the mood?” then you may not fully understand how a woman’s sexual desire works,” says Caruso.
“External pressures, like work, parenting, and managing household responsibilities, can leave many women feeling mentally and physically drained, making it difficult to switch into romantic mode.”
Pointing fingers or accusing your wife of having a low libido is not going to help the situation. The key is to try and understand the outside factors at play, rather than taking it personally or getting in a sulk over having a ‘dead bedroom’ of late.
At the end of the day, emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy are interlinked. It’s not just about understanding what your wife wants in the bedroom, it’s about learning what your wife needs from your relationship overall.
It’s not just about keeping the conversation around sex or dropping in clues about your sexual fantasies to get her in the mood. It’s remembering that you are both human beings and that you deserve to be understood, appreciated, and desired.
“Emotional connection plays a crucial role in women’s libido—feeling understood, appreciated, and supported can be the key to unlocking their desire,” says Caruso.
“Instead of assuming there's a problem with her libido, assessing whether she’s feeling emotionally fulfilled, relaxed, and connected may be more helpful. Shifting the focus to fostering emotional intimacy can often reignite physical desire.”
How to get your wife to be more intimate?
By now, we hope it’s clear that this issue is far more complex than simply getting your wife into bed!
It’s all about building moments of intimacy throughout the day, tapping into her love languages, and truly being there for all the ups and downs of married life. Not just the fun bits.
However, your wife deserves to be desired and to feel that you’re making an effort to understand and appreciate her. Even though every woman is different, we hope Caruso's advice on this relationship will get you on the right path.
According to Caruso, these are some helpful ways to boost your sex life with your wife—with a wider understanding of your wife's needs essential to unlocking great sex.
Start with your emotional connection. Emotional intimacy is a powerful precursor to physical desire. Make an effort to regularly engage in meaningful conversations, listen actively, and share your feelings to strengthen your bond.
Take the load off of her. Help her with daily responsibilities like household chores or parenting duties, but don’t ask her what to do—just do it. Asking her only creates more mental work for her to do, whereas taking care of the responsibilities can free up mental space for relaxation and intimacy.
Compliment her! Compliments can boost her self-esteem and make her feel more desired. Be genuine in your praise, focusing on both her physical appearance and the qualities you admire.
Be affectionate without expectation. Show physical affection throughout the day—like hugs, kisses, or gentle touches—without expecting it to lead to sex. This creates a safe, loving environment and builds a foundation for intimacy. If cuddling her always leads to you initiating sex, she may start to dread your physical touch.
Prioritize non-sexual physical touch. Cuddle on the couch, hold hands, or give her a back rub. Non-sexual physical contact can help create closeness and lead to greater intimacy later on.
Plan romantic dates—whether it’s a special dinner or a quiet night at home, dedicating uninterrupted time together helps foster connection and intimacy.
Make her feel sexy by complimenting her in the bedroom. Let her know how much she turns you on and how attractive she is to you.
Be vulnerable. Opening up about your feelings and emotions can help deepen your emotional bond. Vulnerability fosters trust, which is key to intimate connection.
Focus on foreplay, and don’t rush into sex—take your time. Focus on her needs and desires, and make the experience about mutual pleasure.
Create a relaxing environment. Set the mood by lighting candles, playing soft music, or running a bath for her to help her unwind and feel more at ease.
Engage multiple senses by offering massage, using scented candles, or playing her favorite music. Stimulating different senses can heighten arousal and deepen the experience.
Always be attentive to her emotional and physical boundaries. Respect for her comfort zone builds trust and allows her to feel safe opening up to intimacy.
Confidence is sexy, so acknowledge and appreciate her confidence in all areas of her life. This makes her feel valued and attractive.
Text her during the day with flirty or thoughtful messages to build anticipation. This can help her feel desired and appreciated before the evening even begins.
Taking care of your own body and health can increase your wife’s attraction to you. Staying fit and energetic can spark her physical desire for you.
Be present. Put away distractions like your phone and be fully ‘there’ when spending time with her. Engaged conversations and focused attention foster intimacy.
Plan thoughtful surprises—like writing her a heartfelt note, planning a weekend getaway, or surprising her with something she loves. Thoughtful acts show that you’re thinking about her.
Regularly express gratitude for everything she does, both in the relationship and in daily life. Feeling appreciated can spark emotional closeness and connection.
Try something new together—whether it’s a hobby, an adventure, or a new experience in the bedroom. New experiences can reignite passion and bring excitement into your relationship.
Sexual desire can ebb and flow, especially with the demands of daily life. Be patient and understanding as you both work to nurture your connection, ensuring your wife feels supported and valued throughout the process.
What are the best ways to create a romantic atmosphere to help my wife get in the mood?
Setting a romantic atmosphere can set the stage for deeper intimacy and connection.
The most important thing is to take your time, what happened to wooing her? If needed book the childcare, set the mood, and have fun with it! Taking the pressure off and making her feel relaxed is a great start in any romantic recipe.
According to Caruso, these are the best ways to set that romantic tone from the moment she walks in the door.
Soft, dim lighting creates an intimate, cozy vibe. Use candles, soft lamps, or tea lights to set a warm and romantic glow in the room.
Music can have a powerful effect on mood. Play soft, relaxing tunes or your partner’s favorite slow songs to create a calming and sensual atmosphere. Choose instrumental music, smooth jazz, or romantic songs to keep the mood mellow and intimate.
Appeal to the sense of smell with subtle scents like lavender, vanilla, or sandalwood. Scented candles or essential oil diffusers can add a sensual element to the room, making it more inviting and relaxing.
Ensure the environment is physically comfortable. Soft blankets, cozy pillows, or even fresh sheets can make the space feel inviting and luxurious. The goal is to create a place where both of you feel at ease and relaxed.
Make sure the room is at a comfortable temperature, not too hot or too cold. Being comfortable is essential to creating a relaxing atmosphere that encourages closeness.
Share a quiet meal or light snacks together. You can keep it simple with finger foods like chocolate, strawberries, or cheese platters, which can add an element of indulgence and sophistication to the evening.
Incorporate soft textures like silky sheets, fluffy blankets, or plush rugs to create a tactile experience. The feel of luxurious fabrics against the skin can add to the sensual experience.
A clean and organized space sets the stage for relaxation. A clutter-free environment allows you both to focus on each other without distractions, enhancing the feeling of intimacy.
Turn off phones, televisions, and other electronic devices to create an uninterrupted space where you can fully engage with each other. Being fully present will help both of you relax and connect more deeply.
It might seem like there’s a lot on the list, but putting in that extra effort may be the greatest turn-on (and turning point) in your sexual relationship.
