9 days to a better sex life for parents
It’s easy to see why becoming a parent can have an impact on your sex life. From the early days of night feeds and diaper changes to the later years of homework battles and teenage mood swings, the daily demands of parenting can take up so much physical and emotional energy that there can be little left to give to your partner by the end of the day.
Throw into the mix that you probably have less money, less time, and less privacy, and it can be hard to find space for an uninterrupted flirtatious conversation, let alone for sex. Constantly wiping runny noses or listening to the Frozen soundtrack on repeat can be a real mood killer.
Put passion back on your calendar
If you’re wondering how to start prioritizing your sexual connection, Paired’s ‘Recharge Your Sex Life (For Parents)’ challenge can help. Part of a new 9-day Journey by Paired’s Head of Relationships Aly Bullock, MFT, the challenge below gives parents actionable tools and reminders to prioritize time for sex, trigger desire, and find new ways to switch from parent-mode to lover-mode.
Why does sex matter?
At times, it might not seem like a big deal to let sex slip off your priorities list. There might even be months or years when that feels right to you both, particularly in the postpartum period when you’re sleep-deprived and one partner’s body could still be recovering. But when you are ready to focus on sex again, and if it matters to you both, then taking intentional steps to prioritize it together can connect you as a couple rather than just as co-parents. Ultimately, sex is another way of communicating, one that allows you to reconnect to the sexual parts of yourself—and each other—that have nothing to do with nagging, picking up toys, or managing school pickup and drop-off.
Sex isn’t just about physical pleasure; it can strengthen your relationship, too. Research from Frederick et al. (2017) found that couples who—among other things—engaged in a higher frequency and variety of sexual activities, communicated about sex, and set the mood for intimacy reported higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Instead of waiting for once-a-month date nights to create romance, try the question challenge below, or download the Paired app to get the full program of exercises, games, and quizzes. The goal? Carve out time to turn off your parenting responsibilities—and turn on each other!
Here is a 9-day challenge to give you a taster of the steps the Journey will guide you through…
Day 1: Share your motivations for sex
Remind each other why it’s important to you to prioritize sex over other responsibilities and demands on your time. Ask each other: Why does sex matter to you? What does sex bring to our relationship?Day 2: Redefine your s(expectations)
Acknowledge any changes in your sex life so that you can find realistic ways to accommodate them. Ask each other: What expectations from our pre-parenthood sex life are holding us back? What’s one way we could adjust our expectations to make room for a sex life that fits our current reality?Day 3: Share your sex goals
Understand what you both want more of in your sex life together based on your current reality, not past assumptions. Ask each other: What would make you feel more sexually confident? If you only had 15 minutes for intimacy, how would you most like to spend it?Day 4: Switch from parent-mode to lover-mode
Talk about the obstacles that prevent sex and find creative new ways to overcome them together. Ask each other: What’s the thing that most often prevents sex for you? What would make it easier for you to switch from parent-mode to lover-mode?Day 5: Lessen your mental load
The mental load—the list of invisible tasks partners have to keep up with in a relationship—can be a common obstacle to sex. What would help you switch off from it? Ask each other: What’s one thing you could do together to lessen the impact of the mental load on your sex life? What ritual would help you forget about your mental to-do list and allow more space for desire?Day 6: Schedule intimacy
Scheduling intimacy can build anticipation, increase desire, and strengthen your sexual connection. Ask each other: What’s your biggest hesitation around scheduling intimacy? Can we book a time in the next seven days for intimacy?Day 7: Start foreplay earlier
Research shows that many people underestimate the amount of foreplay their partner would enjoy. Starting it earlier can help you tune in to your sexual connection. Ask each other: How do you feel about the foreplay in your relationship right now? What’s one way we could start foreplay earlier in the day?Day 8: Share your desire triggers
Work out what sparks desire for you both so that you can add more sexual triggers into your everyday life. Ask each other: What’s one way we could build more flirting into our daily routine? What would be your favorite way to sexually connect without intercourse?Day 9: Set the mood in your mind
Focus on the context that resulted in sex so that you can find new ways to create it. Ask yourself: Remember a time you felt an intense desire for your partner that led to passionate sex. What happened in the lead-up? How can you create a context in which those feelings would happen again?
