Is Watching Porn Cheating?
Relationship rules can be complicated.
Since there is no textbook definition of “cheating”, every couple has to define their own boundaries to navigate the relationship’s tricky terrain. The involvement of porn in relationships has always been a particular sore spot, sparked by the age-old question — is watching porn cheating?
Like it or not, porn is a big part of our modern society. Despite its prominence, particularly in recent years, there is still a lot of shame around the subject.
Since porn and masturbation are considered to be equally taboo, it can be very hard to start a conversation on these topics. Even with your partner.
What does it mean if my partner is watching porn?
If you catch your partner watching porn in a relationship, it can feel like a betrayal.
It can pose questions such as, “Why would my partner watch porn when they have me?”, “Is that the kind of sex they really want?” or “Is my partner not satisfied with our sex life if they watch porn?”
Despite its negative connotations, porn doesn’t have to impact the real intimacy that you share with your partner.
“Porn is used for various reasons, whether it’s to help someone engage with a kink, heighten desire, explore their fantasies, or escape their current reality,” says Aoife Drury, a COSRT-accredited psychosexual and relationship therapist.
When talking about the porn industry, it’s important to define the type of porn we’re looking at.
“Rather than a sex-negative/sex-positive and pro-porn or anti-porn approach, I invite people to add a more sex critical lens for when it comes to conversations around porn,” says Jordan Dixon, a psychosexual psychotherapist, and sociologist from the Thoughthouse Partnership.
“Due to wider societal understandings of sex being problematic and limited in many ways, it’s expected that mainstream pornography can reflect the patriarchal male gaze and perpetuate limited understandings about female sexuality.”
However, just because your partner may watch mainstream pornography, it doesn’t mean they aren’t aware of such problems, or resist such messages. It’s also important to distinguish between real-life sex and the sex we see in porn.
“I would like people to consider whether our criticism is best leveled at pornography itself, or the whole way that our society understands gender, sex, and sexuality which it represents,” says Dixon.
With so many people regularly visiting internet pornography websites, it needn’t be seen as a personal attack on your relationship or a suggestion that your sexual behavior is lacking in some way. “It all depends on the person and what they get from it,” says Drury.
Is watching porn cheating?
The question for many is, “Am I cheating on my partner if I watch porn?”
“It is really important to have conversations with a partner regarding what signifies cheating for you,” says Drury.
Some couples may consider porn a natural human sexual experience, while others believe watching porn is a form of cheating when you're in a committed relationship.
Is watching porn cheating in a monogamous relationship?
“What does it mean to be betrayed?” asks Drury. “If you have agreed that watching porn is cheating, then it might be the case that it would be defined as a betrayal within that relationship.”
Under these terms, porn can be considered cheating in both open relationships and monogamous relationships. However, research shows that 71% of men and 56% of women think it's acceptable to watch porn in a relationship — so it depends on how you and your partner feel about it.
Who decides to watch porn?
If you do decide to police your partner’s porn use, you should consider how this could make them feel.
“It might also be important to discuss control and power within your relationship — are you telling each other what they can or can’t do with their body?”, says Drury.
It is important to remember that we have a right to do what we like with our own bodies. Shaming people for watching porn, or preventing them from watching it altogether could lead to even more conflict.
With all of this to consider, it is important to discuss with your partner your feelings on viewing porn in the first place and how that impacts your relationship dynamic.
Can watching porn be a good thing in a relationship?
Porn doesn’t have to be a negative issue in your relationship. If both parties are interested in healthily watching porn, it can benefit both your emotional and sexual relationship.
“Porn can be a fantastic tool to understand each other better and provide a great way to connect,” says Drury. “It can help spark creativity and ignite experiences that couples might not have considered.”
If your partner watches porn, you could suggest watching porn together to experiment with new sexual acts or behaviors. By being open to the positive aspects of porn, you could spice up your sex life, renew your sexual energy and improve your sexual satisfaction.
“It’s important to remember that in all relationships we will have some areas of sexual compatibility and some aspects of our sexuality that we don’t share in common,” says Dixon.
“There are studies that show couples who engage in watching porn together report having healthier sex lives. We may find that some degree of sharing of fantasies or porn can be an exciting thing to bring into your sex life together.”
To ensure you’re both comfortable, make sure you are engaging with ethical porn sites to foster a healthy relationship with pornography.
Signs that porn is negatively affecting your relationship
Despite the positive aspects of porn use, one study revealed that some women feel that their partner watching porn impacts their self-esteem.
If you feel that porn is having a negative effect on your mental health, it could be time to speak to your partner about how porn is impacting your relationship.
Choosing porn over your partner
Porn is not a substitute for a healthy sex life with your partner.
“If porn is used as a tool to escape the relationship and intimacy, it might be important to have a conversation as to why this might be an issue,” says Drury.
A high sex drive may increase your porn use, but it should not affect how you feel about sex with your partner.
Choosing porn and solo sex over your partner feeds into these insecurities and can make them feel inadequate.
Porn addiction
Today, porn addiction, or problematic pornography use, affects approximately 3% to 6% of the adult population. So how do you know if your porn usage has gotten out of control?
It is a bad sign if “someone is using it as a compulsive tool and struggling with their use of it,” says Drury.
Porn addiction is surrounded by a lot of shame and stigma, but if you feel that porn has become an unhealthy and compulsive behavior — it’s important to seek help.
Compulsive behavior around porn is when it stops us from functioning in our everyday lives.
This compulsive behavior can look like this:
Replicating Porn
Porn can tap into many different sexual desires, but it’s to be used as a form of entertainment and a tool for fantasizing — not as sex education.
Porn is created for entertainment purposes and is not real life — your partner should not push you to engage in sexual acts inspired by porn if you don’t want to.
“If a partner is demanding that sex is replicated like it is in porn, or that the partner is to watch it when they don’t want to, it is really important to speak to someone,” says Drury.
How to talk to your partner about watching porn
By communicating with your partner, it is easier to escape the negative effects of porn and encourage a healthier attitude towards its place in your relationship.
Privacy in a relationship is important, but porn, or looking at pornography, shouldn’t be a secret. Discussing porn with your partner shouldn’t be taboo or uncomfortable, but you should approach it as you would any other conversation in your relationship — with honesty and respect.
“It’s important not to judge and shame people for their sexual preferences, we are all unique and have different desires and fantasies. Create time and space for discussions to be had in an environment that feels safe and comfortable,” says Drury.
While your significant other may not be comfortable discussing the details of their porn usage — it shouldn’t be a complete mystery.
“Have an open dialogue about what porn means to you and how you experience it,” says Drury.
How to start a conversation if you are worried about porn addiction
If you are worried about your partner’s porn use or believe it is negatively affecting your relationship, it is important to approach the conversation correctly.
In order to get the most from the conversation, follow our expert tips from Moraya Seeger DeGeare, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
- Start by talking about the impact you are experiencing from their porn use. Express that you feel less connected like they are not emotionally or even physically available to you. Emphasize what they might be missing out on due to their porn use.
- Ask your partner if they are worried about their use — open the conversation for them to express their own feelings on the subject.
- Open with curiosity, as your partner may just need the opportunity to share their concerns.
- Ask your partner if they need support , and what this support would look like for them. This might help them name what support systems they have been thinking about but have been too nervous to reach out to — such as therapy or talking to their friends about it.
What to do if you disagree about porn in your relationship?
Relationships are all about mutual respect. If your partner refuses to give up porn, an ultimatum isn’t the answer.
“If people have completely different values on porn, they may need to look for another partner,” says Dixon. “It is the same as when we meet someone with very opposing political or religious views. It is about feeling like we have freedom in our relationships.”
The bottom line is that both parties should feel comfortable with the decision on porn usage in their romantic relationships.
Is it cheating if your partner doesn’t know?
“When porn is a problem for a partner and they do not allow their partner to use it, this can exasperate levels of secrecy and in turn cause relationship disharmony,” says Dixon.
It might seem like a good idea to watch porn behind your partner's back — and avoid confrontation — but Dixon cautions against this.
Advocating for erotic honesty and being firm on your stance on porn, can help steer conversations in a more positive direction. However, this becomes more complex if we morally disagree with what our partner is watching.
“It can be particularly shocking if we see that our partner is into porn watching that we actually regard as unethical or problematic,” says Dixon. “It’s important for us to reflect on whether we were shocked by what we saw, or whether there is something unethical about what they consume.”
“If a partner is into something unethical, then it’d be worth thinking about where our limits are around this and seeking professional help from a certified relationship or sex therapist to help navigate this difficult territory.”
