Living Together Before Marriage: Pros & Cons to Consider
Moving in with your partner is a huge milestone in any relationship, as it ushers a new chapter filled with both challenges and cherished memories.
However, if you’ve looked up ‘living together before marriage’ rather than just ‘moving with your partner’, it’s impossible to escape answers untouched by religious connotation.
While premarital cohabitation is incredibly normal in modern society, it’s totally off the table for many religions, especially Christian teachings, as it’s seen to be in direct opposition to the Bible. However, even these views are shifting in the modern era, with studies by the Pew Research Center revealing that 74% of Catholics and 76% of white Protestants (who aren’t born-again or evangelical) think it’s acceptable to live together before marriage.
After all, according to the National Survey of Family Growth, marriage itself is on the decline, with the share of U.S. adults who are currently married declining from 58% in 1995 to 53% today.
No matter what you believe in, or if you ever intend on getting married, living with your partner is a big deal! As a cohabiting couple, your compatibility will naturally be put to the test—with shacking up together serving as the perfect opportunity to test your romantic relationship for cracks.
Is it a good idea to live together before getting married?
Religious teachings aside, would you buy a car without a test drive?
Living together before marriage is an opportunity for you to get to know your romantic partner on a deeper level. As roommates, you’ll learn more about each other than ever before, and see if you can come out the other side stronger!
“Living together before marriage can offer valuable insights into a partner’s habits, preferences, and how well they manage everyday challenges,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“It’s an opportunity to practice working together as a team. The day-to-day logistics, like finances, chores, and routines, help to identify any major differences that could impact the relationship long-term.”
Cohabiting partners have to learn how to adapt to each other’s routines, as you can no longer solely focus on yourself. While your living arrangements may seem insignificant when weighed against your love for one another, you’d be surprised how much of an impact it can have.
“For some, living together can strengthen the emotional bond and enhance the relationship by deepening intimacy and understanding,” says Caruso.
“Ultimately, the decision to live together should be made based on open communication, mutual agreement, and a clear understanding of each partner’s expectations and goals.”
What are the pros and cons of living together before getting married?
Walking down the aisle might feel like the biggest priority in your love story, but living with your significant other has just as great an impact on your relationship.
So, how do you know if you’re ready to move in together? There are a number of pros and cons to consider before taking the leap, with some of these key considerations outlined by Laura Caruso.
Advantages of living together before marriage
Cohabitation provides a realistic view of what married life might be like, including handling day-to-day responsibilities and routines.
Living together encourages open and honest communication about issues like finances, chores, and personal space, which are crucial for a successful marriage.
Sharing a home can deepen emotional intimacy and strengthen the overall relationship by fostering closeness and understanding.
Research suggests that couples who cohabit before marriage may have a lower chance of divorce, as they have already navigated common challenges together.
Living together can help couples explore their readiness for a lifelong commitment without the pressure of a wedding.
Pooling resources and sharing expenses can lead to better financial management and stability, benefiting both partners.
Living together helps identify potential deal-breakers or incompatibilities that might not be apparent before sharing a home.
Disadvantages of living together before marriage
Living together may create pressure to progress the relationship at a rapid pace, or may lead to assumptions about future commitments that are not explicitly discussed.
The stress of living together can lead to conflicts and potential separation, which can be emotionally and logistically challenging.
Partners might have different priorities regarding cohabitation, leading to misunderstandings or unmet expectations.
Living together before marriage may conflict with culture, religion, or personal values.
Shared finances or assets can complicate legal and financial matters in the event of a breakup.
Adapting to each other’s living habits and routines can be challenging and may require significant compromise.
The lack of personal space and privacy can lead to stress and conflict if boundaries are not respected.
The experience of living together might differ from expectations, leading to disillusionment or disappointment if not managed well.
How does living together before marriage affect relationship outcomes?
Living together naturally affects your relationship outcomes, with this experience known to either make or break couples. While your overall compatibility is a natural factor in these outcomes, your intent behind moving in together also comes into play.
For example, let’s say that your lease is up and instead of the hassle of finding a new place, you decide to simply move in with your romantic partner. This decision is fueled by necessity rather than as a conscious decision for the relationship.
Research indicates that couples who intentionally decide to live together, rather than move in together out of convenience, often experience higher relationship satisfaction and stability. Meaning that you should move in as part of a conscious relationship decision, not ‘just because’.
While unmarried couples traditionally never lived together, logic dictates that it actually makes the most sense on a practical level.
“Throughout my work with clients, I’ve found that couples who live together before marriage often enjoy the various stages of matrimony more,” says Caruso.
“Living together before committing to each other for life allows you to learn more about each other and negotiate any major differences.”
By living together, couples' problem-solving skills are naturally developed and challenged daily. While this may involve a steep learning curve, those who come out the other side are much better prepared for a long-term commitment.
While under previous religious teachings, young adults were thrown into living together without any understanding of what they were getting into!
“Living together requires effective communication and conflict resolution skills, which are two foundational aspects of a healthy relationship that are typically difficult to navigate for the first time,” says Caruso.
“Living with a partner before marriage almost serves as a “trial run” before making a deeper commitment to each other.”
Do couples who live together before marriage get divorced more?
This is the most common question that’s asked—do married couples who live together before walking down the aisle face a higher risk of divorce?
Research on this topic is inconclusive, as while some research denotes higher divorce rates for couples who live together before marriage, others are in direct contradiction to this.
Studies by Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades, which are based on a national sample of Americans who married for the first time between 2010 and 2019, showed that 34% of those who lived together prior to marriage got divorced. This study also notes that living together is more part of dating culture in the modern era rather than marriage culture.
However, other research denotes that living together before marriage makes couples less likely to divorce. So, which is it?
There are so many factors to consider here, with studies reminding couples of the link between religion and other outside factors in these results. For example, are religious people less likely to get divorced generally? This is where demographic-related results are important, with each skewing the results differently.
Considering that the divorce rate in the US currently sits around 42%, living together before marriage is certainly not the only major reason for relationship dissolution. With all of this in mind, it’s probably best to consider your own relationship health before living together, rather than getting swept up in statistics!
How do you know if you’re ready to live together?
This question can only be answered by you and your partner, with both of you coming to a conclusion that suits your mutual wants and needs.
“If you’re considering whether or not to live with a partner before marriage, make sure to have open and honest conversations about expectations for finances, chores, personal space, and future goals,” says Caruso.
“Ensure that living together aligns with your overall relationship goals, and be prepared for the adjustments that come with living together, including changes in routines and habits. Flexibility and patience are important during this transition.”
Before you move in together, consider these steps from Caruso, and see if you’re ready to take the big leap!
Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy balance between shared and personal space. Discuss how you’ll handle individual time and privacy.
Develop strategies for managing conflicts and disagreements. Effective conflict resolution skills are vital for maintaining harmony in a shared living space.
Discuss and agree on how to handle shared expenses, bills, and financial responsibilities. Transparency about finances can prevent misunderstandings and disputes.
Decide how household tasks and responsibilities will be divided. A fair division of labor helps ensure that both partners contribute equally to maintaining the home.
