Is She the One for Me? 28 Signs to Look For
Finding the “one” can feel like a foreign concept when you're deep in dating apps.
Forever the believers in true love, we adamantly disagree with the naysayers that there is no such thing. Whether you believe in soulmates, twin flames, or even love at first sight — we all know that love is out there to be found.
So, if you’re lucky enough to have fallen in love, another question can quickly arise. Is she the one? Or, is she not?
With such big questions, and so much at stake, we’re here to help you spot the signs that you’ve found the one, and what to do if you haven’t…
How do you recognize a soul mate?
The concept of soulmates has been around for a long time, putting forth the romantic ideal that there is one perfect person out there for us all.
While some people scoff at this concept and believe that we’re destined to have many great loves in our lives. Others don’t believe it until it happens to them when they experience the kind of love they’ve seen in all those cheesy movies.
However, if you’re consumed with looking for your soulmate, it can be hard for anyone to measure up to these ideals.
“Hot take: the longer you search for your perfect match, the less likely you are to find them,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“Attaching to the idea that two people fit perfectly together is futile when our life experiences shape who we are. New experiences lead to new self-discoveries, interests, communities, and more. It’s the butterfly effect. Every person you meet and place you visit creates a lasting impact that leads to larger change.”
With this philosophy in mind, true love is very much still on the table, but it might not be the instant recognition of a soulmate that we grow up to believe. However, finding the ‘one’ is very much a full-circle moment, that’s worth the hype.
“The thrill of finding a soulmate—a partner with whom one can share a deep, enduring connection—is often marked by moments of undeniable chemistry,” says Caruso.
“Whether this feeling arises instantly or develops through years of shared experiences, the realization that you may have found a compatible life partner is exhilarating.”
How long does it take to know she's the one?
While we all secretly love the concept of being swept off our feet, in a world of ‘love-bombing’ and short-term flings, it’s healthier to have your guard up when looking for a sustainable relationship.
Therefore, when you do feel something amazing with someone, and find yourself daydreaming about your future together — you can stop yourself in your tracks and swear it’s too soon.
So, how quickly can you fall in love? Or, more pressingly, how soon can you tell this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
“There isn’t a universal “right” timeline to define long-term compatibility,” says Caruso.
“The timeline for certainty varies significantly between couples due to differences in personal history, relationship dynamics, and life circumstances. Several factors influence when and how you might realize that she’s the one, including the depth of the relationship, the life experiences you’ve shared (in addition to the frequency and quality of these experiences), emotional readiness, and background.”
While some people swear they knew straight away that there were going to marry their partner, others can take a while to really know for sure. Part of that progress is getting to know someone on a deeper level, your overall compatibility and chemistry.
“In practical terms, some people feel certain they’ve found “the one” within a few months, while for others, it might take several years,” says Caruso.
“Biologically speaking, it often takes at least a year to move past the initial stages of attraction and settle into each other’s deeper characteristics and measures of long-term compatibility. This stage of the relationship beyond the “honeymoon” stage allows couples to witness a range of predictability factors that can reveal how well they truly fit together over time.”
How do I know if she is the one?
In a world where there are no lighting strikes, fireworks, or romantic soundtracks, it isn’t always immediately obvious if you’ve really found the one.
So, how do you really know?
According to Caruso, there are a few questions that you should ask yourself to reflect on the relationship and consider whether your current partner is “the one:”
How do you feel about your future together? This question encourages you to think about your alignment on key life goals, values, and visions for the future. It can help reveal how well you see your lives intertwining in terms of career, family, lifestyle, and personal growth.
Can you describe a time when you faced a challenge together? How did it affect your relationship? This question allows you to reflect on your partner’s support, adaptability, and problem-solving approach during difficult times. It also sheds light on your emotional connection, communication style, and how conflict is typically managed, which are crucial aspects of a long-term partnership.
What role do you play in each other’s lives? How does your partner influence your personal growth and happiness? This question invites you to consider the mutual impact you have on each other’s personal development, happiness, and daily life. It explores the depth of your emotional and physical intimacy, your support for one another's aspirations, and the overall positive or negative influence you have on each other.
These questions should provide you with some clarity as to the status of your relationship, and your viability for a long-term future. While it’s tempting to proclaim you’ve found the one within the honeymoon phase, there are actually several important considerations to weigh up when thinking about your partner.
So, no matter what stage of the relationship you’re at, these are some useful signs to see if she’s the one… Or, if she’s not.
Signs she’s the one
Mutual respect: “Your relationship was built on foundational respect for each other’s individuality, values, and aspirations,” says Caruso. “Each person feels valued for who they are, not just what they provide in the relationship.”
Bringing out the best in each other: When you’re around her, you feel that you are both the best versions of yourself. Other people might also comment that she brings out the best in you! This is always a good sign.
Effective communication: “Your relationship is a safe space to speak freely without fear of judgment, and you can resolve conflicts constructively without diminishing each other’s feelings,” says Caruso.
Active listening: In a healthy relationship, you should both practice active listening. It’s pretty obvious if your partner is paying attention to you, and you should both be invested in what the other person is saying.
Accepting: When you’re falling in love with someone, you should be wholly accepting of who they are. Neither of you should feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to appease the other!
Shared values and goals: “You align on key life values and goals, including views on marriage, children, career aspirations, and lifestyle,” says Caruso.
Emotional connection: “You share a strong emotional bond that extends to depths beyond the surface, including empathy and an understanding of each other’s emotional states and needs,” says Caruso.
More than lust: When you’re trying to find love, it’s important not to get confused between love and lust. Even though the sex might be amazing, is there something more going on?
Support and encouragement: “You both support each other’s personal growth, encouraging the other to pursue individual interests and ambitions,” says Caruso.
Friends and lovers: Not only is she your lover, but she also feels like your best friend. You love spending time together, feel like you can tell each other anything, and share core values that you need in a friend.
Trust and honesty: “You are both honest and dependable,” says Caruso. “Trust is fostered through consistent actions and openness in sharing thoughts and feelings.”
Vulnerability: Serious relationships require you both to open up and be willing to be incredibly vulnerable with one another. It’s a sign of a good partner if they reciprocate this vulnerability, and want to get to know you on a deeper level.
Opinion: While we all value the opinion of our loved ones, your partner is the one person whose opinion you value the most. You care what she thinks about you, and want to be a better person so they’re proud of you!
Physical and emotional Intimacy: “Beyond physical attraction, there is a sense of intimacy that feels fulfilling,” says Caruso. “This includes being comfortable in each other’s presence, sharing personal thoughts, and expressing affection naturally.”
Priorities: When it comes to priorities, you feel like you share common ground. While you’re not willing to throw away your other friendships, you feel like she will show up for you when you really need her.
Adaptability: “You are both willing and able to navigate life’s ups and downs together without blaming each other,” says Caruso.
Stability: A good relationship makes you feel safe and secure. The relationship provides you with stability, and you don’t have doubts about your future together!
Encouragement: Not only is she your biggest cheerleader, she also pushes you to do better in every aspect of your life. This kind of support and encouragement is a great sign that she’s the one, as this is foundational to any happy relationship.
Can’t see a future without her: A breakup doesn’t seem on the cards, and you feel excited about the idea of spending the rest of your lives together. While this might seem a bit intense, especially early on, it’s more the security in knowing you’re happy to take things to the next level when you’re both ready.
You just know: While all of these signs are important, sometimes ‘when you know you know’. It’s a gut feeling that you guys are simply meant to be together! Even though not everyone believes in soulmates or in true love, it’s that feeling that you’ve found your person.
Signs she isn’t the one
Feeling uncomfortable: If you feel uncomfortable around her, or feel that you can’t be yourself — that’s not a good sign. For example, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells constantly or that you’re one word away from conflict, it’s likely this isn’t your person.
You’re the one making the effort: If you aren’t making the effort, nothing is happening. Reciprocal relationships are so important, and if you’re constantly the one putting the work in, it’s a sign that you’re not with the right person.
Not reciprocating your energy: When you’re with someone you love, you should both be absolutely buzzing about it! If you’re constantly feeling like you’re in a one-sided relationship, or your partner never matches your energy — it’s not a good sign!
Can’t be yourself: In a meaningful relationship, you should both be able to be authentically yourself. No matter the quirks or the eccentricities, if you’ve found your person, they should be accepting of all of the parts of you that make you ‘you’.
Lack of spark: While not everyone feels fireworks, there should be chemistry between you — on both an emotional and physical level. If this isn’t present, you feel like something is missing in your relationship.
Not missing her: They say that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, but instead of missing her, it feels more like ‘out of sight, out of mind’. While you shouldn’t be constantly pining after her, you should miss her!
Thinking about other people: When you’ve found the one, you don’t want to look at anyone else. If you find your mind drifting to other people, it’s a sign your love life isn’t where you want it to be.
Conversation doesn’t flow: Soulmates don’t struggle for conversation! If you’re constantly trying to fill awkward silences or struggle to know what to say, it’s not a good indicator of your overall compatibility.
What do you do if she isn’t the one?
Not everyone can be your person, and even though no one likes to end a relationship, it’s all about being honest with yourself and your partner.
Even though things might be going well, it mightn’t be the right fit for a long-term future, and that’s okay. Saying that someone isn’t your person is a big step, and it’s a decision that shouldn’t be made on conflicts or disagreements but on your overall compatibility.
“When this awareness surfaces, I typically encourage clients to consider whether the relationship has room for improvement or if the fundamental differences are too significant,” says Caruso.
“Ultimately, compatibility is a choice; if both partners are willing to bridge the gap between their visions for the future, they can build a successful foundation for a long-term relationship.”
While a lot can be said for that first spark, it’s hard work, commitment, and dedication that really make a relationship work. If you’re worried about your future together, or unsure if you’re compatible in the long run — that’s okay!
Everyone wonders about their future with their partner and if they’ve really found the one! We don’t suggest walking up to her and saying “I’m not sure you’re the one” and taking it from there, but as always, open communication is the only real solution.
“The ideal relationship is a safe space for open and honest communication, even topics that broach the possibility of separation,” says Caruso.
“Notice how your partner responds to this conversation. Are they accepting of your emotions and needs in the relationship, or are they dismissive and shut down? Do they express willingness and motivation to create a life together?”
These conversations are vital to your overall understanding of your relationship dynamic, and if your partner is willing to make things work. Even if you’re sure that this girl isn’t the one for you, you owe both yourself and her the respect of an honest conversation about it.
While it might not be the kind of relationship advice you want to hear, it’s the healthiest past forward, even if it means letting one another go.
“Talking to your partner before making any major decisions or changes in your relationship is a way of honoring the relationship and showing respect for your partner’s feelings and perspectives while simultaneously advocating for your own needs,” says Caruso.
Accepting that this person isn’t “the one” is a hard pill to swallow, but being brave enough to walk away will allow you to find the person you truly deserve.
