How to Have Better Sex 101

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship… But it sure is fun. 

If you’ve stumbled across this article on your quest on how to have better sex you’ve come to the right place. Contrary to popular belief, step one isn’t about sex toys or positions, it’s about communication. 

Before you roll your eyes or continue your pursuit for better sex elsewhere, we have some food for thought that might change your mind. 

“You might feel scared now to initiate conversations about sex but think about how you’ll feel after the best sex of your life,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert. 

The best part? You can start your Journey to better sex with our new Paired content, with these conversations leading to some very happy endings.  

How important is a good sex life?

Sex should never be the defining aspect of your connection. As if you’re having amazing sex with someone who you can’t trust or even talk to—it doesn’t bode well. However, when sexual activity is combined with all of these other elements, it can have a significant impact on your overall well-being. 

“While sex is an important aspect of a relationship, it’s not the sole factor that defines a healthy relationship. Emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and effective communication are equally important,” says Caruso.

Therefore, even though a lot of emphasis is placed on having an amazing sex life, the key to making it amazing is founded in these other elements. Studies show that couples who communicate have better sex, with healthy emotional intimacy also a natural contributor. 

“Regular intimacy can boost physical health by improving immune function, reducing stress, and promoting better sleep,” says Caruso. 

“A fulfilling sex life also fosters open communication and trust, allowing couples to share their desires more freely. Individually, a healthy sex life boosts self-esteem and emotional well-being, contributing to a positive self-image and mood.” 

Think of it as a cycle, if you have good trust and communication, that leads to great sex. Then, if you’re having great sex, you will naturally improve your trust and communication. Cracking the code to a better sex life is located in this pattern, with your physical intimacy a key contributor to your overall relationship satisfaction. 

“While a good sex life is not the sole determinant of a healthy relationship, it significantly impacts other important facets of a relationship like emotional intimacy, personal well-being, and connection,” says Caruso. 

“Recognizing and addressing the importance of a good sex life can lead to a more connected, committed, and resilient partnership.”

What does it mean to have a good sex life?

What is considered good sex to one couple might look totally different to another, and that’s the beauty of it!

“Sex is different for every couple,” says Caruso. 

“Individual preferences, relationship dynamics, life stages, and cultural backgrounds are all factors that influence sex. Some couples have sex often, while others go months without getting it on. Both patterns are healthy as long as the couple is satisfied with the frequency.” 

Naturally, couples worry about how often they have sex, if they’re having enough sex, or what to do if their partner wants more sex than they do. These concerns are all completely normal, as everyone aiming for a healthy sex life. 

Remember that your sex drive naturally goes up and down, and is not always a barometer for your relationship health. As long as you're openly talking about it, and are both mutually satisfied, there’s nothing to worry about. 

“Some couples are more adventurous in the bedroom, while others may prefer a more consistent routine. Communication and mutual understanding are key to finding a balance that satisfies both partners’ needs,” says Caruso. 

There is a common misconception that couples who have a “kinkier” sex life are having better or more intense orgasms than those who don’t. Remember, it’s not a competition! Everyone prefers different sexual experiences, while one couple is all about dirty talk, another might need a vibrator to get there. 

It doesn’t matter how you get there, or what other couples are doing, it’s about how you and your partner can optimize your sex life so you’re both feeling fulfilled and desired.

According to Caruso, instead of comparing your sex life to others, you should ask yourself:

• Do we communicate openly about our sexual fantasies, desires, boundaries, and needs?

• Do we feel emotionally connected and intimate during and after sex?

• Are we both experiencing pleasure and enjoyment during sex?

“These questions focus on the dynamics of your unique relationship,” says Caruso. 

“By understanding and addressing these aspects of their sex life, couples can build a more connected, satisfying, and resilient relationship.”

So you might not be doing acrobatic sex positions, or having a load of oral sex, but don’t let porn (or other societal expectation) tell you that it’s a bad thing! It’s your sex life, no one else's. 

How can I improve intimacy and sexual satisfaction in my relationship?

With all of this in mind, let’s get down to it.  

So, you’re having good sex, but how do you have great sex? (Also known as mindblowing, blow your socks off kind of sex…) 

“Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just starting out, maintaining a good sex life requires continuous effort and open communication,” says Caruso.

“It’s more than physical—high-quality sex requires an emotional connection, an understanding of individual desires and preferences, and openness to exploring new depths of intimacy.”

Couples can utilize the sex and intimacy content offered in the Paired app to dive deeper into these topics. While you might not feel comfortable discussing sexual problems or sexual desires in person, our content can spark those conversations in a natural, stress-free way. 

It’s also important to remember that better sex doesn’t just mean having more sex, even though this is a natural goal for many couples! 

“Sexual frequency changes over time, often influenced by factors like aging, having children, or career demands,” says Caruso.

“If you’re focused on having more sex, reduce stress, prioritize emotional intimacy, and schedule sex as needed to navigate the pressure of constantly changing schedules.”

Spicing things up in the bedroom may not be the only factor in creating a better sex life, but it’s certainly the most fun! 

“Don’t be afraid to introduce new activities in the bedroom,” says Caruso. 

“I often joke with clients that it may be time for a “sex re-education,” or simply an opportunity in adulthood to explore sex and intimacy without the physical discomfort and awkwardness of their fifth-grade sex education class. Read books, go to a sex shop, and fantasize about new sexual adventures—then share these ideas with your partner.” 

This sexual exploration can be whatever you want it to be. It might mean adding lube into the equation, having fun with sex toys, or trying out mutual masturbation. If you’re both willing and open to trying new things, you never know what discoveries that could lead to!

What are the top tips for improving sexual intimacy in a relationship?

There are so many ways to spice up your sex life and achieve the kind of sex life you’ve always desired! 

1. Have regular conversations about your sex life to maintain an open line of communication. Share new ideas and talk about issues as they arise.

2. Set aside time dedicated to intimacy so it remains a priority in your relationship. Prioritize intimate date nights, dim the lights, and snuggle up to each other regularly—doing so fosters romance and connection.

3. Make physical touch a pillar of your relationship. Hold hands, kiss, and hug each other regularly. This builds comfort in the relationship and deepens emotional intimacy.

4. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Introduce new positions and toys, explore different kinks, and get frisky in unfamiliar places. Novelty can reignite passion and excitement, keeping you engaged and eager for more sex.

5. Shift your perspective on foreplay. Spend more time on the edges of intimacy to build anticipation and increase arousal. Foreplay begins the moment sex ends, so incorporate more non-sexual touch throughout the day to build intimacy and connection.

6. Seek help from a sex therapist to address deeper issues and improve your sexual relationship. Educate yourself about sexual health and techniques through books, workshops, or online resources.

7. Always respect each other’s boundaries and ensure that consent is given and received. Understand that it takes time to improve sex and intimacy, and be patient with each other throughout the process.

8. Celebrate small wins. Reinforce each other’s efforts and contributions to improving your sex life. This will foster a supportive and loving environment.