80 Gaslighting Phrases That Could Be Red Flags
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person will make you doubt yourself and question your sense of reality. Knowing how to recognize common gaslighting phrases is the first step in protecting yourself from this type of manipulation.
Gaslighting can happen in all types of relationships, but it’s most common in romantic ones. Gaslighters will often discredit your memory of events, twist the truth, and invalidate your feelings as a way of maintaining a sense of control. Often, though, spotting gaslighting phrases can be tricky.
Some of these phrases are often used casually during arguments in relationships and might not be cause for concern — that doesn’t mean they’re an effective way to resolve conflict, though!
However, if you find that your partner uses these phrases over and over, and you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or apologizing over things you don’t remember happening, you could be a victim of gaslighting.
Remember that gaslighting has no place in a healthy romantic relationship, so if you think your partner is gaslighting you, seek support.
What are some examples of gaslighting?
Gaslighting can come in many forms, and occasionally the person might not even realize that they are brandishing such toxic behaviors. In this case, it’s about calling them out on their behavior and moving toward a healthier form of communication.
However, the most common perpetrators of gaslighters are narcissists who seek to control their partners, utilizing gaslighting, love-bombing, stonewalling, and other abusive behaviors to get their own way.
It’s important to recognize these red flags, and why they might be using them before you are sucked into a toxic relationship.
1. Denying the truth
Gaslighters will often tell you something didn’t happen, that you’re exaggerating, or that you’re making it up. Distorting reality and planting self-doubt is their way of controlling the narrative, warping your perception of reality, and playing on your insecurities. This is a form of psychological abuse, which makes you question your memory.
2. Shifting blame
Another common gaslighting tactic is blame-shifting, which involves placing blame on the victim. Narcissists refuse to take accountability for their behavior by deflecting or countering the blame from themselves. This manipulation tactic is to make the victim feel as though they’re to blame for all of the problems in the relationship.
3. Invalidating your feelings
Minimizing or dismissing someone's feelings is also a form of gaslighting in relationships. An abusive partner will invalidate your feelings by accusing you of overreacting or being “too emotional.” When someone invalidates your feelings, it can jeopardize your own sanity and self-worth. By dismissing your point of view, they’re trying to prevent you from standing up for yourself and asserting your boundaries.
4. Acting like the victim
Gaslighters might use a tactic called DARVO, which stands for “deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender.” They might try to victimize themselves and make it as though you hurt them. This enables them to shift blame, so they can continue their bad behavior without any consequences. Additionally, gaslighters will weaponize love or affection, warping your reality and making you feel bad for calling them out.
5. Alienation and isolation
Perpetrators of gaslighting will try to isolate you from your friends or family members to make you feel alone, or entirely reliant on them. They might insult or belittle your friends, or pit your family against you. Once they have isolated you from your friends, they may try tactics like stonewalling or the silent treatment, where they themselves block you out. This can cripple your self-esteem as you try and seek validation and praise from your partner.
What are some gaslighting statements?
Knowing how to spot signs of gaslighting can be tricky, but it’s the first step to protecting yourself from emotional abuse.
Gaslighting phrases might seem “normal” and harmless, but they can be part of a pattern of manipulation and a sign of an abusive relationship. Here are some examples of gaslighting phrases to watch out for in relationships:
Gaslighting phrases that deflect blame/attention
“It’s your own fault/I didn’t do anything wrong.” This firmly shifts the blame from them to you, making you question if you’re actually in the wrong/overreacting.
“Why are you always bringing this up?” Even though you might be bringing up a valid concern about their behavior, it’s quickly flipped onto its head to make it seem like you’re the one causing the issue.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Instead of apologizing for their own actions, they make it seem like you’re the one with the overt/unjustified emotional reaction.
“That’s not what I meant.” This makes you question your own reality, as they make it seem like you’re just misunderstanding — questioning your intelligence.
“I was just kidding, you can never take a joke.” This is a very common one, as they make it seem like it’s all just a big joke and you’re the one who can’t have a laugh. (Making their behavior seem more justifiable)
“Why are you always starting fights?” They shift the focus onto you, making it seem like you're the one who is contentious.
“I can never do anything right around you.” This phrase is meant to guilt-trip you, making you feel as though you are being unreasonable.
“I guess I’ll never make a joke again.” This attempts to make you feel responsible for spoiling the fun, thereby deflecting from their inappropriate behavior.
“You’re right, I’m such a piece of shit.” This sarcastic remark turns the situation around, making you feel guilty for bringing up the issue.
“Why are you trying to ruin everything?” This phrase suggests that by raising a concern, you are attempting to destroy the relationship or situation.
“Why are you gaslighting me?” They flip the script, accusing you of the very tactic they are using, making you doubt your own perceptions.
“So I’m not allowed to just be honest around you? Cool.” This implies that their hurtful comments are just honesty and that you are the one who can't handle the truth.
“How dare you accuse me of that!” This dramatic reaction is intended to make you feel guilty for even thinking they could do something wrong.
“You’re just looking for a fight.” By saying this, they deflect from the real issue and put you on the defensive.
“You always have to make it about you.” This phrase shifts the blame onto you, suggesting you're self-centered for bringing up your feelings.
Gaslighting phrases that make you question your own reality
“That never happened.” By flat-out denying that a situation happened, it puts you in a very difficult situation in terms of response — how can you move forward if they simply pretend it never happened?
“That’s not what happened.” This gives them the leeway to invent a new reality for what happened — a story that suits them better.
“That’s not true.” This places the blame squarely on your shoulders as if you are simply making it up.
“You’re making that up.” Once again, making it seem like you’re the one causing an issue.
“You’re imagining things.” This makes you question your own memory and undermines your own reality.
“You always twist my words.” They accuse you of distorting their statements, making you doubt your interpretation.
“You have no clue what you’re talking about.” This phrase aims to undermine your confidence in your own knowledge or understanding.
“That’s not how I remember it.” By questioning your memory, they sow seeds of doubt about your perception.
“Everyone knows that’s not true.” They invoke an imagined consensus to further invalidate your reality.
“You’re remembering it wrong.” This makes you doubt your own recollection of events.
“You’re just being paranoid.” This dismisses your valid concerns as irrational fears.
“You’re seeing things that aren’t there.” They suggest that your observations are mere figments of your imagination.
“Do you really think I’d make that up.” This is a classic sign of narcissistic abuse, as they use guilt tactics to make themselves look better in the situation. Even when they might be in the wrong.
Gaslighting phrases that invalidate your emotions
“It’s not a big deal.” This instantly deescalates their involvement in the situation and makes it seem like you’re the one making it into something bigger than it is.
“You’re overreacting.” By saying this, they’re refusing to validate your feelings and convincing you that you’re in the wrong.
“You’re blowing this out of proportion.” Instead of accepting that you have a valid emotional response to their actions — they instead choose to deflect.
“Why are you always so emotional?” Making you feel crazy? Narcissism 101.
“Stop being paranoid.” You’re not being paranoid, you’re just responding to their behavior or finding valid proof of their wrongdoing.
“Why are you always being so negative?” This shifts the focus onto your perceived negativity rather than addressing the real issue at hand.
“I don’t know why you’re upset. Stop making it into a big deal.” This minimizes your feelings and suggests that you’re overreacting.
“Don’t get so worked up about everything.” This phrase downplays your emotions and suggests that you’re being overly dramatic.
“You’re too sensitive!” This invalidates your feelings by making it seem like the issue lies with you being overly sensitive, rather than the actions of your significant other.
“Learn to take a joke.” This phrase deflects from their inappropriate behavior, making it seem like you’re the one who can’t handle humor.
“You need to calm down.” This dismisses your emotional response as irrational and excessive.
“You’re being irrational.” This suggests that your feelings are not based on reason or logic, thereby invalidating them.
“Why can’t you just let it go?” This implies that you’re dwelling on something insignificant and should simply move on.
“I’m not saying sorry for something that you’ve invented.” This is an ingenious way to shift the blame back on to you, as they refuse to apologise for something that ‘doesn’t exist’.
Gaslighting phrases designed to make you feel guilty
“I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that.” This is playing the guilt card straight away, denying by acting shocked you’d ever think so low of them.
“After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?” This is another example of a guilt tactic, where they remind you of all they do for you — suggesting that you can’t live without them.
“I guess I’m just a really bad boyfriend/girlfriend then.” This is a classic example of playing the victim card.
“If you really loved me, you would…” This plays on your feelings for them, trying to convince you that you’re actually in the wrong.
“You should have known I would react this way.” This once again places all of the blame on you — as if their reaction is valid because you should have known it would happen.
“Oh, I guess I’m just a terrible person then?” This sarcastic remark is meant to make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings. They might also follow this up with a tantrum (classic of a narcissistic personality disorder) or with other toxic tactics like stonewalling.
“Why can’t you be more like X?” This comparison is designed to make you feel inadequate and guilty. They might compare you to one of your friends, or even one of their exes, so you feel worthless.
“I did that for your own good.” This phrase makes it seem like their actions, even if hurtful, were justified and for your benefit.
“You owe me after everything I’ve done for you.” This guilt trip is meant to make you feel obligated and indebted to them, and somehow justify their behavior.
“I sacrificed so much for you.” This phrase highlights their sacrifices to make you feel guilty for not being appreciative enough.
“You’re so ungrateful.” This makes you feel guilty for not recognizing their supposed generosity. Even though they’re treating you badly, they make you feel like you owe them in some way — so it’s okay.
“I thought you were different.” This phrase suggests disappointment and aims to make you feel guilty for not meeting their supposed expectations. This could make you feel like you need to prove yourself or work harder, playing right into their hands.
“You know that I’d never intentionally hurt you, so why are you reacting like this?” This once again shifts the blame away from them and places guilt on you, as you should know that they wouldn’t want to hurt you — so why are you mad?
Gaslighting phrases designed to undermine your relationships
“You’re crazy, even your friends/family think so.” By bringing in your loved ones, they’re trying to gaslight you into thinking that everyone hates you — so you’ll feel the need to rely on them.
“This is why you don’t have any friends.” This phrase undermines your confidence by suggesting that your social issues are your fault.
“No one else would love you as I do.” This makes you feel like they are your only option, fostering dependency.
“No wonder nobody likes you.” This phrase aims to isolate you by making you doubt your relationships with others.
“I’m the only one who cares about you.” This creates a sense of dependency by suggesting that no one else will support you.
“Everyone agrees with me.” This implies a consensus against you, making you feel isolated and unsupported.
“Even your family thinks you’re wrong.” This undermines your confidence by suggesting your loved ones are also against you.
“Your friends are just using you.” This phrase sows doubt about the authenticity of your other relationships.
“No one else understands you like I do.” This creates a false sense of uniqueness and dependence on the gaslighter.
“Your friends don’t really care about you.” This aims to isolate you by creating doubt about your social connections.
“Your family thinks I’m right.” This phrase tries to manipulate you by suggesting that even those closest to you support the gaslighter.
“You’ll end up alone if you keep acting like this.” This fear-inducing statement is meant to make you feel like you’ll lose everyone if you don’t conform.
Gaslighting phrases designed to make you look crazy
“You’re just trying to make me look bad.” This phrase accuses you of having ulterior motives, deflecting from their behavior.
“There you go again, trying to play the victim.” This minimizes your experiences and emotions, making you seem overly dramatic.
“Did you ever think that maybe it’s all in your head?” This phrase makes you doubt your own sanity, suggesting that your concerns are imagined.
“You’re the one with the issues, not me.” This deflects responsibility and places the blame squarely on you.
“You’re too insecure, that’s your problem.” This phrase makes you feel like your concerns stem from personal flaws rather than their actions.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you sound crazy?” This outright suggests that your perceptions and feelings are irrational.
“You’re just imagining problems when there are none.” This dismisses your valid concerns as mere fabrications.
“You’re the one who’s confused — not me.” This makes you question your own understanding of the situation.
“Stop projecting your insecurities onto me.” This phrase deflects their behavior by accusing you of imposing your issues onto them.
“You’re acting paranoid.” This dismisses your valid concerns as irrational fears, making you question your judgment.
“You’re being delusional.” This extreme dismissal makes you feel as though your reality is completely distorted.
“You’re just overthinking everything.” This minimizes your valid concerns by suggesting you’re creating problems out of nothing.
“You always see things in the worst way.” This phrase invalidates your perspective and suggests you’re inherently negative.
What are the phrases to shut down gaslighting?
If you’re being subjected to gaslighting, it can be difficult to know how to respond. However, for the sake of your own mental health, it’s important to learn how to stand your ground. So, what do you say to shut down gaslighting?
These are some strategies and phrases to respond to gaslighting that you can employ to maintain your sense of self and try to control the situation.
"I understand that we may see things differently, but my feelings are valid."
"I have the right way to feel the way I do, and it's important for you to respect my emotions."
"I know you said you didn't say that. However, I distinctly remember it and it is concerning that you are trying to deny it."
"I'm not trying to start an argument or cause drama. I want to address the issue and find a resolution to make our relationship work."
"I'm not imagining things and you dismissing my experiences is not helpful."
"It's not fair to attack my mental state in this way, let's focus on resolving the issue without you undermining my abilities."
"I acknowledge that we both have perspectives, but shifting the blame doesn't help us resolve the issue."
"’I’m bringing this up because it's important to me, and I believe it needs to be addressed for the sake of our relationship."
"An apology would mean more if it acknowledged the actions that led to my feelings rather than just dismissing them."
"I understand if there was a misunderstanding, but the impact of your words/actions still hurt, and we need to discuss that."
"I enjoy humor, but there's a difference between a joke and a hurtful comment. Let's not dismiss it as a joke when I didn’t find it funny.”
"My intention is not to start a fight, but to communicate openly about issues that matter to me."
"Let's focus on specific behaviors rather than generalizing. I'm bringing this up because I care about improving our relationship."
"It's not about avoiding jokes, but about understanding the impact of certain comments on my feelings."
"My intention is to express my feelings, not to manipulate. Let's focus on the issue at hand."
"I remember the event clearly and it had a significant impact on me. It's important for us to acknowledge and discuss it."
"We seem to have different memories of the event. Can we try to understand each other's perspectives better?"
"I assure you, my memory of the event is clear. Let's discuss it calmly and find a way to understand each other."
"My feelings and experiences are valid, and dismissing them is hurtful. Let's try to understand each other better."
"It may not seem big to you, but it affects me deeply and it's important to address it."
"My feelings are valid, and it's important for us to discuss why I'm upset."
"I'm raising this issue because it concerns me, not to accuse you unfairly. Let's talk about it."
"I’m not saying that your a bad boyfriend/girlfriend. I want to discuss specific issues so we can improve our relationship."
"I can’t predict reactions, but I can express my feelings and we can work through them together."
"My feelings are valid, and dismissing them as crazy is hurtful. Let's communicate openly."
How do gaslighters apologize?
Gaslighters usually don’t want to apologize in a genuine way.
While they might occasionally utter the word ‘sorry’, they might try to do so in a way that still invalidates your feelings or puts the blame on you. For example, they might say “Well I’m sorry that you feel that way”, which effectively dismisses the sincerity of their apology altogether.
If you recognize gaslighting phrases in your relationship and wish to move forward with your partner — you have to make sure that they are genuine about their want to improve.
Remember that gaslighting is an abusive behavior and should not be tolerated in any healthy relationship. However, if you’re being gaslit, it can be very difficult to assert yourself in the face of abusive behavior. If the gaslighting continues or escalates, it may be necessary to seek support from a therapist or mental health professional to navigate the situation.*
*National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673)
If you are in immediate danger, call 911 and ask for the police.
