4 stages of a dying marriage that spell trouble
Everyone talks about the beginning stages of marriage.
The infamous honeymoon phase, the positivity of a new chapter as newlyweds, and all the joy that comes with those early years.
Not many people like to bring up the other side or address the stages of a dying marriage that many couples have to go through. Even though it’s not as poetic or romantic, being able to spot and address these signs a marriage is in trouble can help you take action—preventing your relationship from ever entering the dreaded final stages.
With the help of a relationship expert, we’re facing these stages head-on, with all the advice you need to turn things around.
How do you determine when a marriage is over?
Everyone enters marriage with the hope of forever, but when things start to go from bad to worse, when do you admit you’re in the midst of a marriage breakdown?
Spotting signs of a dying marriage is more than having a trained eye, it’s being willing to accept that your underlying issues have become the order of the day—every day.
According to Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert, there are several common signs your marriage is headed toward its closing stages. From communication breakdown to disillusionment, if you spot these behaviors in your relationship, your marriage might be headed in the wrong direction.
Signs your marriage is in trouble, according to an expert
Irreparable breakdowns in communication, connection, and respect are typically key indicators that a marriage is over.
When both partners consistently avoid each other to escape conflict or discomfort, it indicates a deep disengagement from the relationship. This avoidance becomes a habitual response to any interaction, indicating a loss of willingness to maintain the relationship.
Neither partner attempts to resolve disagreements or repair hurt. This suggests a loss of hope and investment in the relationship’s future.
A profound disconnect manifests, where partners no longer share their thoughts, feelings, or day-to-day experiences. This leads couples to feel more like roommates or strangers.
Sexual and emotional intimacy declines sharply or disappears entirely, signaling a deep rift between partners.
Neither partner reacts significantly to the other's positive and negative actions, which indicates a level of disengagement that is often difficult to reverse.
Communication is beginning to deteriorate. Frequent misunderstandings, a lack of open dialogue, or escalating conflicts without resolution are all signs of changes in communication. Similarly, an increase in the frequency and intensity of conflicts, often over trivial matters, can serve as a warning sign.
Feeling emotionally disconnected from each other is a red flag. You might feel like roommates, with little to no emotional sharing, support, or empathy.
Physical intimacy and sex begin to decline. You’re holding hands and hugging less, skipping the “good night” kiss, and avoiding sex. Physical intimacy is often a barometer of the health of the emotional connection in a relationship.
One or both of you consistently avoid spending time together or withdraw from each other emotionally and physically, which signals deep dissatisfaction.
You regularly fantasize about being single. Imagining life without your spouse can be a sign that you’re no longer finding fulfillment in the marriage.
Feelings of discontent or resentment toward each other are strong indicators of marital discord. These feelings, when harbored, can corrode the relationship from within.
What are the common stages of a dying marriage that couples should be aware of?
Every married couple goes through ups and downs, and even though there might be a few rough patches along the way, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed to fail.
However, if you ignore your feelings of loneliness or those building arguments for long enough, the embers of your love can be a lot more difficult to reignite. When you start to lead separate lives, and your lack of communication has become commonplace, you might have unknowingly headed into the first stage of a dying marriage.
While every relationship moves through different stages, a dead marriage isn’t top of the list!
“Several researchers and psychologists have studied the stages of failing relationships, including marriages,” says Caruso.
“Together, they’ve unknowingly identified specific patterns and stages that often precede the dissolution of a marriage.”
The stages of a dying marriage to look out for
While every relationship is different, if a marriage is in its later stages, it can follow a recognizable trajectory before you reach your last straw.
“Combining my clinical observations with Dr. Fisher’s rebuilding model and Dr. Mark Knapps’ relationship development model, I’ve identified four stages of a failing marriage, which I’ll label as the following: hostility, disconnection, desperation, and despair,” says Caruso.
“I’ll explain the progression of these signs that I’ve observed through my own clinical experience working with individuals and couples.”
Without healthy communication, individual differences between partners lead to conflict. Partners then begin to criticize or show contempt for each other, relentlessly defend themselves, or withdraw, which are four negative communication behaviors that Dr. John Gottman identified as predictors of divorce (The Four Horsemen). See below: Hostility
Emotional distance grows increasingly wider, creating a sense of loneliness that develops over time. This is often a result of unresolved conflicts and the persistent presence of negative communication behaviors. Certain topics are suddenly off-limits, sex is more infrequent, and the relationship feels stuck. See below: Disconnection
One partner, particularly someone who is anxiously attached, may pour their heart and soul into trying to repair the relationship. They might suggest couples therapy or more quality time, initiate sex, or over-communicate their feelings and needs in an effort to regain their partner’s affection and attention. This can also include grand gestures, like planning surprise vacations or renewing vows, in hopes of reigniting the spark. See below: Desperation
When partners don’t know how to communicate or resolve conflict to bridge the gap between them, they begin to avoid each other. This deliberate avoidance makes it difficult to repair the relationship. At this point, the relationship typically ends. See below: Despair
Can you repair a failing marriage?
If any of the above stages seem to perfectly capture where your marriage is right now, it doesn’t mean it’s over.
The important thing is that you can stop your marriage from getting to the next stage, and with the right amount of effort, can transform it into a healthy relationship again.
“Any marriage can be saved, in theory, if both partners are willing and committed to repairing the relationship,” says Caruso.
“However, as more time passes, the relationship becomes increasingly difficult to repair.”
With communication breakdown in place, it becomes more difficult to get to a place of productive healing, as what your partner feels may no longer be your priority.
“Repairing a marriage requires both individual and relational efforts,” says Caruso.
"It’s an inherently vulnerable process that demands couples to expose their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities in hopes of finding common ground. I like to call this the strategy of “laying out the cards.” Unfortunately, this is when most couples seek therapy. When couples lean on professional support in the early stages of dissolution, they’re more likely to repair the relationship.”
Therefore, contrary to popular belief, marriage counseling should not be seen as a last-ditch effort to save your relationship. As with professional help, you may not ever need to darken the door of the later marital stages.
How do you know when a marriage cannot be saved?
While many couples can make it through and turn their marriage around, divorce rates wouldn’t be so high if that was a quick-win solution.
Sometimes, you can’t save your marriage, especially if things have gotten past the desperation stage into despair.
“Likely, your relationship cannot be saved when you’ve entered the despair stage,” says Caruso.
“This stage is typically marked by a deep sense of hopelessness about the relationship’s future and a withdrawal of effort from one or both partners.”
In this stage, couples might find themselves wishing for a new start, as they no longer see a possibility for reconciliation or redemption.
This doesn’t always have to mean one person cheats or one person leaves the other, it often isn’t as dramatic as that. It can just be two people who’ve tried their best to make things work and finally admit it’s time to raise the white flag.
Why is it so hard to walk away from a failing marriage?
Calling up a divorce attorney isn’t meant to be a simple task.
Even if you know your marriage is over, it’s never going to be easy to just walk away. This doesn’t always mean you have to keep trying (even though these decisions aren’t to be rushed into), it usually just means you are human.
Love: “First and foremost, despite knowing marriage is irreparable, many people still genuinely love their partner,” says Caruso. “They might not share a romantic connection anymore, but couples often still have love for each other, even in the final stages of dissolution.”
Emotional investment: “Walking away from a marriage is a profoundly difficult decision,” says Caruso. “Couples invest significant emotional, physical, and financial energy into their relationships. Sometimes there’s a level of dependence that may prevent someone from walking away.”
Fear of the unknown: “Leaving a marriage often means stepping out into the unknown. This includes fears of being alone, self-doubt about their ability to care or provide for themself, and concerns about dating again,” says Caruso. “The uncertainty of life post-divorce can feel paralyzing, making it easier, in some respects, to stay in a familiar albeit unhappy marriage.”
Impact of divorce on children: “Concerns about the impact of divorce on children can play a major role in the decision to stay,” says Caruso. “The “staying together for the kids” cliche unfortunately still exists, despite tons of psychological research on the negative impact of unhealthy or unhappy parent relationships on developing children.”
Divorce stigma: “In many cultures and communities, there is a stigma attached to divorce,” says Caruso. “Social pressures and fear of judgment from their peers and community often lead to hesitation. Additionally, cultural beliefs about the sanctity of marriage and the perceived failure associated with divorce can also weigh heavily.”
Crisis of identity: “Many people define themselves in part through their relationships,” says Caruso. “A failing marriage can trigger a crisis of identity and self-worth, leading people to question their judgment, attractiveness, and value as a partner. The prospect of redefining oneself outside of the marriage can feel intimidating.”
Remember, walking away from a broken marriage shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It takes a huge amount of courage and strength to take a step into the unknown.
We’re rooting for you.
