Can a relationship survive cheating?
Infidelity is a big deal, striking fear and anxiety in every person who even contemplates it happening to them. It's a betrayal that can shatter trust, upend lives, and leave both partners questioning everything they thought they knew about their relationship.
In the aftermath, both the betrayed partner and the cheater can find themselves asking the all-important question ‘Can a relationship survive cheating?’
“People make mistakes, yes—but cheating is wildly different from catching an attitude on occasion or forgetting to grab milk from the store,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“If you made an intentional commitment to each other, then why is a betrayal of that commitment considered an excusable offense?”
After all, if dreams of your partner cheating on you are enough for a frosty reception, the reality is far worse. This doesn’t mean that there is no hope for recovery or reconciliation, but brushing things under the rug simply won’t cut it.
Can a relationship recover from cheating?
Yes, no, and maybe.
Those are all valid answers when it comes to infidelity recovery, as every couple reacts differently to cheating.
“I like to challenge people’s perspectives after infidelity,” says Caruso.
“When you and your partner agreed to a deeper relationship, was monogamy discussed? If you’re married, did you vow to remain faithful to one another? If so, then why is infidelity excusable?”
An extramarital affair doesn’t happen by accident, with a million tiny decisions involved to get to that point. It’s not a nice reminder, but no one cheats ‘by accident’ and while we like to shirk away from it, facing the pain upfront is the only way forward.
“The standards we set for our relationships often mirror self-worth. Why is it ok for your partner to cheat on you? What stories are you telling yourself that justify your partner’s betrayal?” says Caruso.
Never allow your partner to blame you for their infidelity, prey on your insecurities, or say that they did what they did because you did or didn’t do something. Discovering infidelity is hard enough on your self-esteem as it is.
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive your partner for cheating. I just want you to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “If love wasn’t enough of a reason for them to remain faithful, why is it enough for me to forgive?”
If you’re able to get past that question effectively, there is hope for a relationship after cheating. If not, there is great strength in being able to walk away.
If you’re the cheating partner, and you’re desperately trying to discover if you can win your partner back, we don’t have the magic solution—with a lot of hard work ahead of you.
How often do relationships survive cheating?
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but people cheat in committed relationships all the time. Why they cheat, who they cheat with, or how often they cheat all differ from person to person, but whether they survive… the statistics are not in your favor.
According to a recent study in the US, 16% of married couples admitted to being unfaithful at some point in their marriage, with 57% of marriages ending in divorce due to infidelity.
“In my experience, most couples are not likely to survive infidelity,” says Caruso.
Before you click off this page in despair, just because the odds are against you, doesn’t mean that there isn’t hope for survival. These are some of the factors that affect your ability to recover a healthy relationship after an affair.
Rebuilding trust: “The likelihood of surviving infidelity significantly increases if both partners are committed to the process of healing and rebuilding trust,” says Caruso. “This involves honest communication, accountability, and a willingness to work through the pain and betrayal.”
The cheating circumstances: Is your partner a repeat offender, or a one-time cheater? It may sound like you’re getting too into the details, but as the betrayed partner, these facts can make a big difference. “The circumstances surrounding the infidelity, like whether it was a one-time occurrence or a long-term affair, can also impact the likelihood of survival,” says Caruso.
Therapy: “Couples who seek therapy after infidelity have a higher chance of staying together, “ says Caruso. “Therapy provides a structured environment for addressing the issues and rebuilding trust.”
Practical reasons: “It’s sad to say, but couples are more likely to stay together after infidelity if they’re tied to shared assets, like property or children,” says Caruso. “The nature of these responsibilities often force couples to find common ground and work through any unresolved issues.” Staying together for these reasons can significantly impact the healing process, especially if the cheating partner doesn’t repent their actions.
Emotional stake: “The emotional investment in the relationship prior to the infidelity plays a primary role, “ says Caruso. “Couples who had a strong emotional bond and a history of positive interactions may find it easier to reconcile than those whose relationship was already strained. However, it’s less likely for infidelity to occur in relationships with a strong, healthy connection.
Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?
Being cheated on brings extreme pain, insecurity, and constant second-guessing. Being a cheater comes with a healthy dose of fear, paranoia, and primarily, guilt.
“Everyone experiences infidelity differently,” says Caruso.
“The guilt after cheating can diminish over time, but it often requires taking full responsibility for the actions and acknowledging the pain it caused in your relationship, then actively working to rebuild trust. However, it’s important to note that residual guilt might persist, and occasional feelings of remorse can surface.”
Guilt doesn’t disappear overnight, nor should it. If you cheated on your partner, the next steps are no longer about you, but what your partner needs. Buying them flowers isn’t going to get them back, it’s about tackling all those underlying issues and resolving to work toward a brighter future.
“In my professional opinion, residual guilt isn’t bad, per se,” says Caruso.
“It’s natural to regret behavior that hurts the people we love. Remorse indicates empathy, which reflects understanding of the emotional impact and demonstrates care about the feelings and well-being of the partner. Guilt can also motivate an unfaithful partner to make amends and demonstrate their commitment to not repeating the behavior.”
It’s important to remove your affair partner from the situation, whether it was a one-night mistake with a co-worker or an emotional affair with a childhood love. Not only will they be a constant reminder of your guilt, but they will also make it impossible for your partner to rebuild trust.
Does infidelity pain ever go away?
When you’re first confronted by infidelity, it might feel like you’ll never be able to recover or look at your partner the same way.
Whether you choose to forgive your partner or not, we promise that the pain of infidelity will subside over time. The important thing is that even if you have your partner banging on your door for forgiveness, this is the time to put yourself first.
Self-help books, individual therapy, long showers—whatever you need to heal, it’s your mental health that deserves attention.
“The pain inflicted by infidelity is often profound and overwhelming initially. With time and dedicated effort, the pain will gradually subside,” says Caruso.
“As the initial shock and hurt begin to fade, many couples find that engaging in open, honest communication and seeking professional guidance can facilitate the healing process. While the memory of betrayal might never disappear completely, its sting can lessen significantly, allowing for emotional recovery and the potential for a relationship to grow stronger.”
If you decide to embark on a healing journey as a couple, it can be incredibly helpful to seek professional help—whether through marriage counseling or family therapy. As you progress through couples therapy, the original pain of infidelity will start to fade, and it will become clear whether you have hope for a future together.
Is it possible to rebuild trust after infidelity?
“The short answer is yes, it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity,” says Caruso.
“The actual process, though, is a challenging and often unlikely path.”
As we’ve alluded to many times, when it comes to infidelity, the easier option is the breakup route. It doesn’t mean that a full relationship recovery isn’t possible, but we can’t stress enough how much work goes into that healing.
Like with any healing process, it isn’t linear and requires equal work from both partners.
“For a relationship to recover, both partners must be deeply committed to rebuilding trust and emotional safety,” says Caruso.
“This process demands the unfaithful partner not only acknowledge and take full accountability for their actions but also engage in deep self-reflection to understand and address any underlying factors, like previous trauma or maladaptive beliefs about relationships, that may have contributed to the affair. Without doing so, they’ll likely cheat again.”
However, while infidelity is a big deal, it’s also important to view this situation as an opportunity for positive change and growth.
“Recovering from infidelity is not just about repairing a relationship; it’s about redefining it,” says Caruso.
“This journey requires both partners to reevaluate and reset their individual and relational standards. It’s an opportunity to openly discuss what each partner needs from the relationship and to clarify what they value most in their connection. The process of reassessment can lead to a profound understanding that what worked before may not be sufficient or appropriate for the future.”
Therefore, if you do decide to push through and put in the hard work, the relationship that greets you on the other side could be everything you’ve been waiting for.
What are the signs that a relationship is healing after infidelity?
Open discussions: “Both partners are actively engaged in open, honest discussions about their feelings, concerns, and needs,” says Caruso. “They no longer avoid difficult conversations and are willing to discuss the infidelity and its impact.”
Transparency: “The partner who was unfaithful is transparent about their actions and whereabouts,” says Caruso. “They share information proactively to rebuild trust, and the betrayed partner feels increasingly secure over time.”
Empathy: “Each partner shows genuine empathy and understanding towards the other’s feelings,” says Caruso. “The unfaithful partner acknowledges the pain they have caused, and the betrayed partner tries to understand the circumstances that led to the affair.”
Renewed commitment: “Both partners renew their commitment to the relationship, often explicitly through actions and words,” says Caruso. “This might involve redefining relationship boundaries and expectations together.”
Gradual forgiveness: “While forgiveness may take time, there are signs of gradual forgiveness,” says Caruso. “The hurt caused by the betrayal isn’t the central focus of every interaction, and both partners can discuss the issue without intense emotional pain.”
Looking to the future: “The frequency and intensity of discussions about the infidelity decrease,” says Caruso. “The betrayed partner may start to look forward to the future, rather than continuously dwelling on the past.”
Quality time: “The couple begins to enjoy shared activities and spend more quality time together, reconnecting and strengthening their emotional bond,” says Caruso.
Increased intimacy: “There is a noticeable increase in physical and emotional intimacy,” says Caruso. “The couple feels more connected and expresses affection more freely than they did in the aftermath of the disclosure.”
Growth: “Both partners show individual growth and the relationship evolves as a result,” says Caruso. “They may adopt new communication strategies, deepen their understanding of each other, and appreciate each other’s needs and qualities more fully.”
Future planning: “Both partners start making plans for the future together, indicating a mutual belief in the longevity and recovery of their relationship,” says Caruso.
