What is Micro-Cheating in a Relationship?
Cheating is a very contentious topic in monogamous relationships, as every couple can have a different conception of what qualifies as infidelity.
While a physical affair might be the most common example, it doesn’t have to go this far to count. Enter ‘micro-cheating’, all those tiny actions and seemingly ‘harmless’ interactions that are actually significant acts of betrayal.
They might seem like nothing at first, with many of us willing to shirk off these red flags before the accusations of “overreacting”. However, these cheating behaviors can be interpreted as breaches of trust, corrupting the overall well-being of the relationship.
So, no you’re not crazy, these are the signs that you have a micro-cheater on your hands.
What is micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating is a new age term, which goes beyond the usual parameters of infidelity to include all of those little things that manifest a lack of trust in a relationship.
“Micro-cheating is a term that’s gained traction on social media in recent years, referring to seemingly minor actions or behaviors that may indicate a person is emotionally or physically straying from their committed relationship,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“These actions, while not as overt as traditional infidelity, can still undermine trust and intimacy between partners. Examples of micro-cheating include secretive texting, flirting with someone online, or maintaining an intimate connection with an ex. It can take many forms, often involving subtle or covert behaviors.”
These little things can add up to an emotional affair or can indicate an overall lack of disrespect toward your significant other. It may not be as obvious as physical infidelity, but emotional cheating can pack just as powerful a punch to romantic relationships.
What are examples of micro-cheating?
As with all forms of cheating, it can mean different things to different people. It’s all about the boundaries that you set with your partner and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
Due to these differences, listing examples of micro-cheating is a minefield! However, these are some common examples to consider in your relationship, so you can weigh up how each one feels on a personal level.
Secretly messaging, swiping, or ‘liking’ posts online for emotional fulfillment outside of your relationship.
Deleting text messages, call history, or social media interactions to prevent a partner from discovering them.
Using apps designed to hide communications, such as private messaging apps that delete messages after they are read.
Sharing intimate details, personal problems, or emotional struggles with someone outside the relationship instead of with a partner.
Hiding or downplaying flirtatious behaviors with others like excessive compliments, playful teasing, or suggestive conversations.
Keeping in touch with an ex in a way that goes beyond friendly interactions, such as reminiscing about past romantic moments or seeking emotional support from them.
Pushing boundaries to see how far someone can go without getting caught or causing suspicion.
Questionable physical touch like prolonged hugs, holding hands, or grazing someone’s back in a suggestive manner.
Spending an excessive amount of alone time with someone in a way that feels secretive or inappropriate.
Having a ‘work wife’ or ‘work husband’ relationship with a coworker, that you know would make your partner feel uncomfortable.
Sexting with someone other than your partner, with the excuse that no physical contact is actually taking place.
Setting up a dating profile, swiping on a few dating apps, but never going on an actual date.
Having a consistent flirtation with an attractive coworker or friend, even if you don’t physically act on it.
Consistently liking social media posts or sliding into the DMs of single individuals, just for the thrill of it.
How do I know if my partner is micro-cheating?
All forms of infidelity can be slippery, if your partner denies it, there is very little that you can do about it.
“Unfortunately, you can’t know for sure that your partner is micro-cheating without concrete proof of their behavior,” says Caruso.
“Because this type of infidelity is often covert, it’s typically difficult to identify. I suggest taking note of specific changes in your partner’s behavior that concern you, and then talking to them before jumping to conclusions.”
According to Caruso, these are some signs of micro-cheating that suggest it’s time for a deeper conversation
Increased secrecy with their phone or computer, like changing passwords, keeping devices locked or turned face-down, or using privacy apps.
Frequently stepping away to answer texts or take calls, especially if they are unwilling to share who they are communicating with.
Noticeable changes in emotional intimacy or engagement in the relationship, like gradual distance or less interest in spending time together.
Sudden changes in how they use social media or communicate, such as using new messaging apps or deleting messages.
Spending unexplained time away from home or being vague about where they are going or who they are with.
Flirting or giving excessive attention to someone in a way that seems excessive or out of character.
Being evasive or defensive when asked about their communications or interactions with others.
Is micro-cheating forgivable?
This decision is completely in your hands.
No one can tell you what the right thing to do in this situation, as whether you can recover from this breach of trust is totally up to you.
Since this admittedly isn’t super helpful when you’re actually faced with this situation. Let the relationship experts elaborate.
“Whether micro-cheating is forgivable often depends on the context of the relationship, the nature of the behavior, and the willingness of both partners to address and resolve the issues,” says Caruso.
“Micro-cheating can range from minor flirtations to more significant breaches of emotional intimacy. The severity of the behavior can influence how forgivable it is.”
The key to your decision lies in intent if your partner was doing something without realizing it, it’s easier to correct the behavior and move forward. However, if your partner is consistently and repeatedly engaging in behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable—this is the kind of red flag you should pay attention to.
“Understanding whether the micro-cheating was intentional or occurred due to a lack of awareness or boundaries can affect forgiveness. Intentional behaviors that seek emotional or romantic validation may be harder to forgive than unintentional ones,” says Caruso.
Another thing to consider is the overall health of the relationship. Are these forms of micro-cheating your partner’s first steps toward the door? Or, are they a way for them to test if they really can ‘have their cake and eat it too’?
“The history and overall health of the relationship play a significant role. Sometimes, though not always, micro-cheating behaviors occur as a way to emotionally distance from the relationship to ease the inevitable burden of separation,” says Caruso.
“A relationship with a strong foundation of trust and communication, however, may be more resilient to forgiveness than one with existing issues.”
It doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, as with healthy communication and a genuine understanding of why this behavior is wrong—it’s possible to recover.
“Regardless, feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and hurt need to be acknowledged and addressed. Even if a relationship is headed toward separation, a genuine apology and remorse are key predictors of future growth and maturation,” says Caruso.
At the end of the day, cheating in any form is going to sting. If you’re the one who has strayed into the realm of micro-cheating, it’s not something to try and wriggle out of. It’s about being conscious of your behaviors, how they impacted your partner, and how they can be avoided in the future.
How can I confront my partner about suspected micro-cheating?
Say it with me, “Looking through their phone is not the answer”.
Of course, if you suspect your partner of being unfaithful, to sidestep the ‘crazy’ comments—you need concrete evidence. However, this is a very slippery slope that your relationship may not recover from.
“Throughout my work with clients, I’ve found that suspicion of infidelity often drives people to extreme measures, like snooping for evidence,” says Caruso.
“This is not an appropriate way to navigate concerns in a secure relationship—doing so further destroys trust and emotional safety. When a person feels their privacy was invaded, they’re often less likely to share openly and honestly in the future.”
With the sleuthing method out the window, it’s time to usher in the more direct approach. Talking about it.
Before you dive right into it, take advice from Laura Caruso to guide you on your way:
Prepare for an honest conversation with your partner. Take time to reflect on your feelings and why you suspect infidelity. Understand your emotions and what you hope to achieve from the discussion. While you don’t need to present evidence to confront your partner, having a clear understanding of the behaviors that concern you can help you articulate your feelings more effectively.
Choose a neutral, private setting where both of you feel comfortable and can speak openly without interruptions. Make sure you’re both in a calm state of mind and not distracted by external stressors, or actively arguing about something else.
Frame your concerns using “I feel” statements to avoid placing blame. For example, saying “I feel distant when you spend so much time on your phone,” instead of “You’re always on your phone,” will help you address specific behaviors that concern you. This helps your partner understand the issue without feeling attacked.
Encourage your partner to share their perspective by asking open-ended questions like, “Can you help me understand what’s going on?” or “How do you see our relationship right now?” Listen to your partner’s response with an open mind. Avoid interrupting and allow them to explain their side of the story.
Clearly communicate what you need from the relationship to feel secure and valued. This might include setting boundaries, improving communication, or rebuilding trust. Work together to find solutions and address any underlying issues.
If the behavior continues, or if your suspicion returns, then it may be time to seek help from a couples therapist. Professional guidance can provide tools and strategies for improving communication, addressing trust issues, and navigating complex relationship dynamics.
While the thought of this confrontation can feel overwhelming, remember that your feelings are valid and should be treated as such.
“Your partner’s reactions to your concerns can provide insights into their emotional maturity, commitment to the relationship, and willingness to work through issues. This can help assess the overall health of the relationship,” says Caruso.
“Pay attention to whether your partner takes responsibility for their actions and acknowledges your feelings. An accountable response is a positive indicator of their willingness to address the issue.”
Micro-cheating isn’t something to be ignored, or to brush off, and if your partner refuses to take accountability—it could suggest a greater issue at play.
