Emotionally immature parents: Signs, impact and solutions
While we often joke about the trials of raising kids, what happens when the roles are reversed, and children find themselves 'parenting' their own parents?
Introducing emotionally immature parents, where the concept of ‘adulting’ takes on a new meaning.
Whether you’re analyzing your emotional maturity, or looking for confirmation of your own parent’s status, we’re here to help you spot the signs, recognize the impact, and start that all-important healing journey.
What is an emotionally immature parent?
Being a perfect parent isn’t just difficult, it’s impossible.
However, it’s not all about remembering to pack their lunches or organizing their sleepover schedules, it’s about having the emotional maturity to take on the real responsibilities of the caretaker role.
Emotionally immature people can make passive parents, which can have long-term effects on child development which in turn can impact their adult relationships.
“An emotionally immature parent struggles with self-regulation and empathy, characterized by a consistent inability to respond to their children’s emotional needs,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“The emotionally immature parent might prioritize their feelings and needs over those of their children. This tends to create a role reversal, often referred to as “parentification,” which forces the child into a caretaker role.”
Due to this reversal, children don’t get the opportunity to form a healthy emotional connection with their parent figure. This is the origin story of many insecure attachment styles, with this non-reciprocal relationship triggering avoidant attachments.
Signs of emotionally immature parents, according to Caruso
They prioritize their own needs and emotions over those of their children, often seeking attention and validation, reversing the typical parent-child dynamic.
They might have extreme emotional outbursts to stress or minor irritations, ranging from explosive anger to overwhelming sadness. Their emotional responses often seem unpredictable and out of proportion to the situation.
They might act impulsively, making decisions that satisfy immediate desires or relieve their discomfort without considering long-term consequences.
Emotionally immature parents often struggle to recognize and respond to their children’s emotional states. They may dismiss or ignore their children’s feelings if they conflict with their own or are inconvenient to address, leading to emotional neglect.
They may avoid dealing with difficult issues, either deflecting blame onto others or withdrawing from challenging situations altogether.
Their parenting style might be inconsistent, ranging from overly permissive one moment and unreasonably strict the next, depending on their current emotional state.
The emotionally immature parent might use manipulation to get their emotional or physical needs met. This can include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or other forms of psychological manipulation.
They might rely on their child for emotional support, treating them more like a confidant or a partner than a child.
How does an emotionally immature parent affect a child?
It can sometimes feel like psychological theories put all the blame on the parents, but the importance of a healthy caregiver-child relationship can’t be understated. Whether we like it or not, it’s foundational to our own personal growth and dictates our ability to form healthy attachments later in life.
“Growing up with an emotionally immature parent greatly influences emotional development, relationship dynamics, and overall mental health,” says Caruso.
While there are many different types of emotionally immature parents, self-involved parenting impacts our ability to handle our own emotions.
“In the short term, children often experience emotional instability due to their parent’s unpredictable behavior, which can manifest as mood swings or frequent emotional distress,” says Caruso.
“This environment typically heightens anxiety levels, as children live in continual anticipation of their parent’s volatile reactions. Such unpredictability can also impair their ability to develop trust and may lead to social withdrawal or hyper-vigilance, where children are overly attuned to the emotional cues of those around them to avoid conflict or to cater to their parent’s needs.”
Emotional parents, who form healthy attachments with their children, engage in healthy mirroring—responding to their children’s emotional needs and expecting the behaviors in return. Without this relationship, it’s more difficult to develop healthy emotional responses, impacting your overall sense of self.
What are the long-term effects of emotionally immature parents?
These emotional issues don’t stop at your 18th birthday, with the lingering effects of emotionally immature parents lingering well into adulthood—particularly if you become a parent yourself.
“Over time, the challenges of having an emotionally immature parent can lead to significant relationship difficulties in adulthood, including issues with forming and maintaining healthy relationships and tendencies to either replicate their parent’s behaviors or engage in similar dysfunctional relationship dynamics,” says Caruso.
“These children, even as adults, might struggle with low self-esteem and emotional regulation, often resulting in mood disorders or dependency issues. This ongoing cycle can lead to hyper-independence, only trusting themself, or an unhealthy dependence on seeking out others to fulfill unmet emotional needs.”
How do you respond to an emotionally immature parent?
No matter if you’re eight or eighty, standing up to your parents or family members (especially if you don’t have a healthy relationship) is no mean feat.
However, it’s important to put the boundaries in place as an adult to preserve your own emotional health. It’s the time to be self-reflective, with the important question of ‘what kind of parent do I want to be?’ central to this process.
“Managing a relationship with an emotionally immature parent is a complex process that requires you to navigate difficult emotions and set clear boundaries to maintain your emotional health,” says Caruso.
Emotionally immature parents can be distant or often display narcissistic behaviors. Remember to put your emotional health first in these conversations, taking a step back if you need to.
How to deal with emotionally immature parents
Learn your limits. Clearly define what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. Be specific about your needs and expectations.
Communicate firm boundaries. Explain your boundaries to your emotionally immature parent in a clear, assertive manner. Ensure they understand the consequences of crossing these boundaries.
Seek emotional support elsewhere. Build a robust support network outside of your family. Rely on friends, a partner, or support groups for emotional validation and support.
Cultivate self-reliance. Strengthen your emotional independence by developing self-soothing and coping strategies.
Manage your expectations. Recognize the limits of your parent’s emotional capabilities and adjust your expectations accordingly to prevent recurring disappointment.
Use direct communication. When communicating, use simple and direct language. Avoid ambiguity that could lead to misunderstandings.
Limit your exposure. Keep visits and phone calls short if interactions tend to become strained or stressful. Sometimes, using text or email can be less emotionally charged and provides a buffer that can help manage reactions.
Practice detachment. Work on emotionally detaching from the outcomes of interactions. Try not to take things personally and maintain emotional distance to protect your well-being. Stay calm in interactions, even when your parent becomes emotionally reactive. Model the emotional regulation you wish to see.
Seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation and help you navigate the emotional complexities of your relationship.
Practice self-care. Prioritize activities that promote your mental and physical health. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge the difficulty of your situation and recognize your efforts to manage it.
How do you heal from being raised by emotionally immature parents?
With the boundaries in place, it’s time to take control of your own life and learn how to heal and grow for the sake of your relationships moving forward.
“Recognizing the effects of an emotionally immature parent is the first step toward healing,” says Caruso.
It’s not about playing the blame game but understanding your own emotional response and any triggers you may have. Often, without realizing it, we can emulate our own parent's behaviors and by self-reflecting, it’s easier to eliminate any toxic traits we may have developed.
“Therapy is particularly helpful in processing these childhood experiences and learning healthy emotional and relational skills, like emotional regulation, assertive communication, and setting and maintaining boundaries,” says Caruso.
“Support groups and educational resources like books, podcasts, and workshops are also valuable tools in healing from an emotionally immature parent.”
How to heal from emotionally immature parents
Understand the patterns. Recognize the specific behaviors of emotional immaturity exhibited by your parent(s), like a lack of empathy, impulsiveness, or self-centeredness. Understand how these behaviors affect your emotional development and relationship patterns.
Seek professional help. Go to therapy, join support groups, and actively work through unresolved emotions. Read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, written by Dr. Lindsay Gibson, and begin to understand the components of emotional intelligence like self-awareness, empathy, and relationship management.
Develop health boundaries. Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with your parents, strengthen your ability to say “no,” and protect your emotional space.
Work towards emotional independence. Learn techniques to manage your emotions independently and build a strong internal support system. Encourage positive self-talk and affirmations.
Build a chosen family. Cultivate relationships with people who understand and support your emotional needs. Participate in community activities or groups that align with your values and provide a sense of belonging.
Practice mindfulness. Develop practices like meditation, yoga, or mindful breathing to help manage stress and enhance your emotional resilience.
Don’t hold it in. Keep a journal to process feelings and gain clarity on how your past influences your present. Use writing as a tool to express emotions that might be difficult to articulate verbally.
Re-parent yourself. Understand what needs were not met in your childhood and find ways to fulfill them now. Engage in activities and practices that you find nurturing and healing.
Commit to ongoing growth. Stay committed to your personal development journey. Be open to adjusting your strategies as you grow, particularly as your needs change.
