What is Emotional Cheating And Does it Hurt More?
Cheating sucks.
No one wants to believe that their partner would ever stray from their relationship. While the thought of a sexual affair is bad enough, emotional cheating can pack a punch like no other.
Every human makes mistakes, but it’s all the little decisions that go into an emotional affair that can really sting.
They got a big promotion at work, but they don’t tell you first. You have a big fight and they go vent to their “work wife” instead of trying to make things better. They start to put their close friend's feelings above yours… And don’t see why that’s an issue.
If you’re worried your partner is having an emotional affair or is engaging in emotional cheating, we’re here to help.
What is emotional cheating?
When you think about cheating, a physical affair is usually the first thing that comes to mind. However, an emotional affair can cut just as deep, as while there were no acts of physical infidelity—a bond with someone else was formed.
“Emotional cheating is a complex and often misunderstood form of infidelity that significantly impacts relationships,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“Unlike physical cheating, emotional cheating involves forming a deep, emotional connection with someone outside the primary relationship, which can lead to feelings of betrayal and hurt. This type of infidelity undermines the trust and intimacy that are necessary for a healthy relationship.”
Emotional cheating happens when one person strays from the relationship emotionally, developing feelings for someone else other than their romantic partner. While they might not take the leap and make physical contact, it’s still a form of cheating.
Emotional cheating examples
Choosing to confide in someone else other than your partner with deeply personal information, showcasing your emotional investment outside the relationship
Regularly seeking emotional support from another person instead of your partner
Fantasizing about or developing romantic feelings for someone else, even if it doesn’t extend to physical intimacy
Sharing complaints or personal details about your relationship or partner with another person
Prioritizing time and attention to another person over your partner
Hiding or being secretive about communications with someone else when you’re in a committed relationship
Comparing your partner unfavorably to another person
Seeking validation and flirtatious attention from someone other than your significant other
Developing a close "work spouse" relationship with a co-worker that crosses boundaries
Emotionally withdrawing from your partner while developing a deep emotional connection with someone else
How do you know your partner is emotionally cheating?
While a physical affair leaves a clearer trail, an emotional affair can be more difficult to spot at first. We all want to be able to trust our partners, and most people don’t want to be seen as jealous or ‘bothered’ if their partner has close friendships.
However, if your partner has started to emotionally withdraw, or is clearly focusing their attention outside their romantic relationship—it could be a sign they’re emotionally cheating.
“Signs of emotional cheating are similar to physical cheating,” says Caruso.
“Partners who are cheating typically participate less in their relationship, let the emotional connection with their primary partner grow distant, and dismiss their primary partner’s concerns—or reassure them everything is fine when things are, in fact, far from fine.”
It may not be a sexual affair, but if they’re constantly spending time with someone else and deprioritizing your relationship, you have a right to be concerned.
What are the signs of emotional cheating in a relationship?
Secrecy around phone calls, text messages, emails, or social media.
Sharing fewer thoughts or feelings about the relationship.
A noticeable withdrawal from the relationship, spending less quality time together.
Consistent communication with a person outside of the relationship, often prioritizing them over the primary partner.
Comparing the primary partner unfavorably to someone outside of the relationship.
Voicing increased dissatisfaction with the current relationship.
Becoming overly defensive or evasive when presented with concerns about the relationship.
Seeking more emotional support and validation from someone outside of the relationship than from the primary partner.
Changing their appearance or dressing up more frequently, especially when meeting the other person.
Decreased physical affection and intimacy with the primary partner.
How do you confront your partner about emotional cheating?
No one wants to believe that their partner is unfaithful, but if you notice continuous signs, it’s important to raise your concerns. You’re not crazy and are fully within your rights to raise issues that are making you uncomfortable in your relationship.
It’s not an easy task, but opting for open communication can help prevent the distance from growing even greater between you.
“Confronting a partner about emotional cheating is difficult—unlike physical cheating, it’s often difficult to pinpoint specific actions that violate the partnership. Start by acknowledging the disconnection,” says Caruso.
“Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory, like, ”I’ve been feeling disconnected and noticed you seem more distant lately.” Clearly outline the behaviors that raised your suspicions, focusing on how they make you feel rather than placing blame.”
These conversations are best handled in person, so you can portray your feelings calmly and accurately. While this topic can be deeply emotional, remaining clear is essential so it doesn’t escalate into an argument.
“Notice how your partner receives this information. Be prepared for a range of responses and approach the conversation with an open mind, ready to listen as much as speak,” says Caruso.
“Emphasize the importance of honesty and trust in your relationship and express your desire to understand what is happening so you can address it together.”
If your partner reacts negatively or calls you ‘crazy’ for raising your concerns, step away from the conversation and remind yourself that your feelings are valid. It may be useful to seek help from a mental health professional or to consider couples therapy if your partner is struggling to engage in these conversations.
Why does emotional cheating hurt so much?
Emotional cheating doesn’t just involve one breach of trust, it’s a continuous and conscious choice to put someone else before your relationship. This is why emotional affairs can cut so deep, as it feels almost more intimate than a physical affair.
“In my experience working with couples, I’ve found emotional cheating causes far more hurt than physical cheating,” says Caruso.
“Oftentimes, physical cheating is rationalized as a single lapse of judgment fueled by primal desire, whereas emotional cheating is described as conscious decisions that escalate over time. A deep emotional bond with someone outside of the relationship can feel like a betrayal to the primary partner.”
Emotional affairs can feel like a significant violation, especially if your partner is sharing intimate details of your relationship with someone else. It can prompt so many wider questions about the relationship, like why this person feels they can intrude on your dynamic—or why your partner chose to seek comfort elsewhere.
“Emotional cheating breaks the trust that partners rely on to feel secure and valued in the relationship. The secrecy involved in emotional cheating often results in the betrayed partner feeling deceived and manipulated, “ says Caruso.
“When one partner invests emotionally in someone else, the primary relationship often suffers from a lack of emotional intimacy. As a result, the emotional connection that is diverted to someone else can leave the partner feeling isolated and disconnected.”
If your partner has been in an emotional relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it can also prompt questions of comparison. This can be significantly damaging to your mental well-being, as you wonder why your partner isn’t happy. Or if they thought they could be happier with someone else.
Discovering an emotional affair can often highlight any other underlying issues in the relationship, and can leave you feeling silly for not noticing sooner. Remember to never point blame inwardly and to seek professional help if needed.
Can a relationship survive emotional cheating?
Relationships can recover from both physical and emotional affairs, but only if both partners are willing to heal and move forward as a team.
Brushing things under the rug is not the solution. Or, if your partner denies wrongdoing because they didn’t act on their feelings, it’s not a productive place to start your healing. Your partner needs to be willing to accept accountability, set boundaries, and validate your emotions.
“Moving forward from emotional cheating requires a delicate and intentional approach from both partners, and while challenging, it is possible to repair the relationship with effort, honesty, and mutual commitment,” says Caruso.
How to get over emotional cheating
Moving forward from emotional or even micro-cheating won’t happen overnight. It will take time for you to rebuild the trust that was broken and work towards a healthy dynamic moving forward.
Naturally, if you unearth an emotional affair, you’ll want to relinquish some of the control you lost in the relationship. Or to try and prevent it from happening again. This approach can lead to toxic and unproductive behaviors that will only halt your healing journey.
“It’s common to want more control over your relationship after your partner emotionally cheats,” says Caruso.
“Acknowledge this desire for external control and, instead, seek comfort internally. You don’t need to “reframe” your anxious thoughts after betrayal, but you do need to self-regulate so your anxious thoughts don’t further deplete trust in the relationship.”
“If you’re wrestling with a need for control, work with a couple’s therapist. A therapist will help you and your partner learn concrete tools and navigate difficult conversations to establish trust and reliability over time.”
According to Caruso, these are some steps a couple can take to address and heal from emotional cheating:
Acknowledge the issue. The partner who emotionally cheated must acknowledge their actions and the impact it has had on the relationship.
Both partners should openly share their feelings, concerns, and fears in a safe and non-judgmental space.
Explore the underlying reasons for the emotional cheating. This could involve unmet emotional needs, lack of communication, or personal issues.
Listen actively to each other without interrupting or becoming defensive.
The partner who cheated should commit to being transparent, including sharing their thoughts, feelings, and interactions with the person they were emotionally involved with.
Maintain promises and show up for your partner. Consistent actions over time are necessary to rebuild trust.
Define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior moving forward to prevent further emotional infidelity. Both partners must respect and adhere to these boundaries to create a sense of security.
