Is eye contact during sex important?
Have you ever gazed so lovingly into your partner’s eyes that you feel like you could fall in?
Eye contact is such an important part of emotional intimacy, with those prolonged stares signaling a deep devotion that’s pretty plain for everyone to see. While we all fancy eye contact in the dating world, or in on-screen romances, eye contact during sex is actually where the greatest benefit lies.
“Eye contact can feel incredibly vulnerable, but it’s also a gateway to deeper emotional intimacy,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“Embrace the vulnerability as part of the process. Every step brings you closer to a richer, more connected relationship.”
While intense eye contact in the bedroom can put some people off, the importance of eye contact during sex can’t be understated. So, even though eye gazing is popular during pillow talk, what are the benefits of keeping it during sex itself?
Look deeper into the role of eye contact in maintaining connection during sex, with our expert guide telling you everything you need to know…
Why do people like eye contact during sex?
While we might be advocating for the importance of eye contact during sex, some people don’t need to hear it—with prolonged eye contact a common trope in the bedroom for many couples.
“Eye contact during sex can be a powerful tool for enhancing intimacy and connection,” says Caruso.
“For many, locking eyes in the heat of the moment isn’t just about physical pleasure; it’s an avenue to communicate desire and deepen connection.”
Studies show that sustained or prolonged eye contact significantly increases feelings of passionate love. Further research maintained that when you look in someone’s eyes, you produce a chemical called phenylethylamine—the chemical commonly associated with falling in love.
“Dr. John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher and psychologist, has extensively explored the role of non-verbal communication in relationships, including the significance of eye contact,” says Caruso.
“His insight on the importance of “bids” for connection suggests eye contact during sex might be a non-verbal way of seeking connection and closeness. It can also convey interest and desire, signaling to your partner that you are fully present and engaged at the moment.”
Other studies are more specific to the benefits of eye contact during sex, as these prolonged stares heighten sexual arousal, increasing the overall intensity of the encounter. Coupled with the release of dopamine, oxytocin, and other chemical reactions associated with sexual desire, it really takes sex to the next level—making it more intense and pleasurable for everyone.
So maybe missionary really wins over doggy after all…
However, not everyone can engage in prolonged eye contact during sex so easily.
“Eye contact is a non-verbal form of communication that can make an experience feel more intense and meaningful, as it helps people feel seen and valued by each other—especially in a vulnerable context, like sex. However, preferences for eye contact during sex vary widely,” says Caruso.
“Some find it incredibly intimate and essential, while others feel it’s too intense or struggle with vulnerability issues that make sustained eye contact challenging. Understanding your comfort and limitations with eye contact can help you navigate deeper aspects of your relationship, like communication and satisfaction.
Is eye contact during sex a sign of a deeper emotional connection?
People often feel that a lack of eye contact during sex signals a greater interest in the act of sex itself, rather than the partner they’re having it with, and labeling this as a big red flag for romantic relationships.
This isn’t always the case, but the power of eye contact, and the ability to keep it during sex can be a very powerful and intentional signal.
“One could argue that a person who doesn’t shy away from eye contact during sex might have a level of comfort, emotional intelligence, and maturity that naturally enhances intimacy,” says Caruso.
“They are likely more comfortable with their emotions and, thus, able to engage more deeply and openly with their partner both in and out of the bedroom.”
Why do people avoid eye contact during sex?
While for some maintaining eye contact is easy, others struggle to lock eyes with their partner, whether during sex or not.
This inability to make contact can lead to hurt and confusion in a relationship, especially if one considers it as a signal of connection and the other isn’t able to reciprocate it. However, just because your partner doesn’t hold your gaze, doesn’t mean there isn’t a deep connection there.
“People avoid eye contact for a variety of reasons,” says Caruso.
Understanding why your partner may not be able to hold eye contact can help you move forward without getting hurt or offended.
Social-emotional skills: “Generally, we live in a very disconnected society that makes it difficult to develop the social-emotional skills needed to sustain eye contact when vulnerable,” says Caruso. “It also requires opening up emotionally, not just physically. For some, this level of openness can feel intimidating, especially with insecurities or low self-esteem.”
Relational trauma: “A history of relational trauma can also make eye contact during sex particularly challenging,” says Caruso. “The intensity of it can trigger memories of past experiences, creating an unsafe or anxious environment.”
Fear of connection: “Some people simply (or not so simply, if you ask me) fear the depth of connection that comes with sustained eye contact, especially if they are not fully comfortable with emotional intimacy or fear becoming too attached,” says Caruso. “This is typically a pattern in relationships that begins in early childhood and is reinforced throughout the lifespan.”
It’s important to remember that it’s not about staring into each other’s eyes the whole time you’re having sex (that would border on too intense!) It’s about building trust and connection until you feel comfortable and capable of integrating more eye contact both inside and outside the bedroom.
How eye contact during sex can improve your sex life?
Eye contact may seem like a simple thing, but it can be huge part of healthy relationships.
“Eye contact is a powerful tool for building emotional intimacy,” says Caruso.
“It helps convey deep feelings without words and can make both partners feel more connected and present with each other. This emotional closeness can make the physical experience of sex more meaningful and satisfying.”
If you’ve always shied away from it during sex, it might sound scary to suddenly be told to stare deep into your partner’s eyes! But with so many perks, it’s an important method of connection and intimacy that serves as more than just a sex tip.
“It can reinvigorate your sex life, adding a little spice of intensity and desire,” says Caruso.
“It serves as a non-verbal cue that both partners are engaged and enthusiastic about the experience, which can be incredibly arousing and stimulating.”
Eye contact alone can be a method of foreplay, signaling your desire and interest in your partner—with no words needing to be said. With everything else going on, the squeak of the bed, the sound of your phone buzzing, and holding your partner’s gaze can take you away from all that and instead help you focus on “just us”.
“By focusing on eye contact, partners can learn to be more present in the moment, which enhances mindfulness during sex. This presence can make the experience feel more vivid and enjoyable, as both partners are fully engaged and not distracted by external thoughts or concerns,” says Caruso.
“Maintaining eye contact during intimate moments can foster a sense of trust and safety between partners, which can make you feel more relaxed and open to exploring your sexuality.”
How can I become more comfortable with eye contact during intimacy?
If you’re having a hard time with eye contact during sex, or find yourself shirking away from your partner’s gaze, there are ways you can make it easier.
(And we’re not just talking about switching positions or turning on the lights!)
“While increasing comfort with eye contact during sex can enhance intimacy and deepen connection, it may take some practice,” says Caruso.
Talk about it: “First, talk with your partner about the value of eye contact. Explore how it may benefit your particular relationship and how each of you feels about it.
Practice makes perfect: “Practice eye contact outside of the bedroom first. Before locking your eyes with your clothes off and your bodies pressed up against each other, try doing so while holding hands,” says Caruso. “Then try to maintain eye contact while cuddling or making out. This can help you ease into the experience and build trust and reliability without feeling overwhelmed.”
Try it out: “Eventually, challenge yourself to meet their gaze during sex and hold it. Notice how safe or secure you feel in that moment, then explore these thoughts with your partner as part of sexual aftercare.
Chat through your feelings: “If discomfort arises, it's important to discuss these feelings openly,” says Caruso. “Reflect on what specifically makes eye contact challenging. Understanding the root of the discomfort can help you address it more effectively.”
Positive encouragement: “If you notice your partner makes eye contact, respond positively, even if you can’t maintain their gaze at that moment,” says Caruso. “You could smile, give a reassuring nod, or a verbal affirmation, like, “I love when you look at me.” Positive reinforcement can encourage more frequent eye contact and decrease feelings of rejection or disconnection.”
Take the lead: “If you are more comfortable with eye contact, take the lead. Your confidence and ease can help your partner feel more secure and less self-conscious,” says Caruso.
