How to Build Emotional Intimacy, According to an Expert
In a world of quick swipes and superficial interactions, finding a romantic partner that you can build that deeper connection with is an incredible feeling.
This emotional intimacy is foundational to any healthy relationship, as getting to know each other on a deeper level really means the world. After all, sparking those meaningful conversations is what the Paired app is all about—so we know what we’re talking about!
Even though emotional intimacy is so important in romantic relationships, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to maintain as your relationship grows.
“Emotional intimacy is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, as it enhances communication, strengthens trust, and promotes a deeper sense of partnership,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert
Even though emotional intimacy is so important in romantic relationships, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to maintain as your relationship grows.
“Emotional intimacy is hard,” says Caruso.
“Normalizing these challenges can reduce stigma and foster a more compassionate approach. Have open conversations about the difficulties you’re facing with emotional intimacy. Expressing these concerns in a non-judgmental way can lead to mutual understanding and a willingness to work together.”
Building and maintaining emotional intimacy in a relationship takes work, but wow, it’s worth the rewards! With the help of the experts, discover the importance of emotional intimacy in relationships, and how to continuously build it for your future together.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is a deep connection between people characterized by trust, vulnerability, and understanding. It involves openly sharing your thoughts and feelings, empathizing with one another, and providing mutual support.
Think of it as the lifeblood of your relationship, as beyond all the lust of physical connection, it’s this type of intimacy that truly brings you together.
“Emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of deep, meaningful relationships, fostering a sense of connection and closeness beyond physical attraction or shared interests,” says Caruso.
“It involves sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences with your partner, creating a bond built on trust, vulnerability, and mutual understanding.”
These relationships go beyond surface-level or sexual connection, with this level of vulnerability contributing to the strength of the bond.
What does emotional intimacy do?
“Emotional intimacy lays a foundation of trust, understanding, and deep connection, essential for a strong and enduring partnership,” says Caruso.
“It strengthens emotional support, leading to greater relationship satisfaction and promoting personal growth.”
This kind of connection doesn’t happen overnight, and couples are constantly building on their emotional intimacy by spending time together and getting deep. When combined with healthy sexual intimacy, as well as intellectual intimacy, couples can boast a happy close relationship that satisfies all their needs.
“Couples with strong emotional intimacy are more resilient, better equipped to handle challenges, and often experience enhanced physical intimacy,” says Caruso.
“This deep connection fosters a positive feedback loop, continually strengthening the bond between partners. Ultimately, emotional intimacy cultivates a lasting emotional bond that provides security, unconditional love, and a resilient framework for a thriving relationship.”
What are examples of emotional intimacy?
According to Caruso, these are some common examples of emotional intimacy in a relationship.
Safety to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences freely with a partner without fear of judgment.
Discuss your dreams, fears, and aspirations to foster a deeper understanding of each other.
Discussing and aligning on core values, beliefs, and future goals so both partners feel they are moving in the same direction.
Truly listening to your partner, showing empathy, and validating their feelings to build a strong emotional connection.
Being there for each other during tough times, offering comfort, encouragement, and understanding. This creates a safe space where both partners feel valued and cared for.
Willingness to be vulnerable and share insecurities, past traumas, and weaknesses, fosters trust and deepens the emotional bond.
Small gestures, like holding hands, maintaining eye contact, or a comforting hug, convey a deep emotional connection and support without words.
Spending intentional time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and participating in activities that both partners enjoy can enhance emotional intimacy.
Regularly expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other helps reinforce positive feelings and acknowledges each partner’s contributions to the relationship.
Approaching conflicts with a willingness to understand each other’s perspective and find a resolution together. This shows a commitment to maintaining the relationship’s emotional health.
Building memories together through shared experiences, such as traveling, hobbies, or simply enjoying everyday moments, fosters a sense of togetherness and connection.
Understanding and respecting each other’s emotional boundaries and needs is critical for maintaining a healthy emotional connection.
What does lack of emotional intimacy look like?
Without emotional intimacy, couples can start to grow apart, with walls going up from all the things they don’t say to one another.
“A lack of emotional intimacy erodes trust, leads to poor communication, and creates a sense of emotional disconnect within a relationship,” says Caruso.
“Partners may feel isolated and unsupported, resulting in decreased relationship satisfaction and increased conflicts. Without a deep connection and emotional safety, relationships often become superficial and unfulfilling, with minor issues escalating into major disputes.”
This distance is more common in long-term relationships, as couples might forget that this kind of emotional intimacy needs to be maintained. Date nights aren’t just about getting dressed up, they’re about allowing you to connect! With this continual effort to keep that spark alive, your sex life and relationship overall will benefit.
If you’re struggling to reignite an emotionally intimate relationship, you can lose that sense of security with your significant other—leaving some partners searching for that validation elsewhere.
“This absence of emotional intimacy can hinder personal growth, strain physical intimacy, and lead to feelings of resentment and frustration due to unmet emotional needs,” says Caruso.
“Over time, the relationship bond weakens, making it more vulnerable to external influences and increasing the risk of separation. Ultimately, a lack of emotional intimacy jeopardizes the stability and longevity of a relationship, leaving partners feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.”
What causes a lack of emotional intimacy?
With so much at stake, for both your own relationship and your own well-being, it sounds like we all need to become experts in emotional intimacy—most importantly, what causes it to stop?
While it’s important to look into these causes, remember that we are all human beings, and it can be tough to maintain emotional intimacy 24/7. Every couple’s intimacy ebbs and flows throughout the relationship, it’s just about making active decisions to stay connected—even when other things get in the way.
According to Caruso, these are some factors that contribute to a lack of emotional intimacy:
Poor communication prevents partners from sharing their true thoughts and feelings.
Ongoing, unresolved conflicts create emotional distance and erode trust.
Partners who are unwilling or unable to be vulnerable with each other miss opportunities to build trust and intimacy.
Hectic schedules and competing priorities can limit the time and energy partners have to invest in nurturing their emotional bond.
Past traumas, mental health issues, or an inability to process and express emotions contribute to emotional unavailability, which negatively impacts closeness in a relationship.
Fear of being judged, rejected, or misunderstood can prevent partners from opening up and sharing their true selves.
Avoiding discussions about sensitive or challenging subjects can lead to superficial interactions and a lack of emotional depth in the relationship.
If partners do not feel supported or understood, they may withdraw emotionally, leading to a disconnection.
Different attachment styles can create mismatched needs and expectations.
A history of broken trust or betrayal can make it difficult for partners to feel safe and open with each other.
People with low self-esteem may struggle to believe they are worthy of love and intimacy, leading to self-protective behaviors that limit emotional closeness.
Falling into routine and taking each other for granted can lead to a lack of effort in maintaining emotional closeness.
Cultural norms or societal expectations that discourage emotional expression.
Can a relationship work without emotional intimacy?
“A relationship can survive without emotional intimacy, but it certainly won’t thrive,” says Caruso.
“Without emotional intimacy, the relationship may lack depth and feel superficial. Partners might stay together out of habit, convenience, or external commitments rather than genuine connections. The absence of emotional intimacy can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts, which can strain the relationship and create ongoing tension.”
Technically, a relationship without emotional intimacy can continue, but while you might be cuddling on the couch—you’re not really connecting. This emotional distance can leave both partners feeling unfulfilled, leading to frustration and conflict over time.
You might not even be able to pinpoint why exactly you’re feeling distant, as you might be talking every day… But are you really connecting?
“Eventually, partners will feel emotionally isolated and unsupported, leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction,” says Caruso.
“This emotional gap can cause partners to seek fulfillment outside the relationship. Over time, the bond between partners may weaken, making the relationship more fragile and prone to breakdowns. The absence of a strong emotional foundation can lead to a lack of resilience in facing life’s challenges together.”
How can couples improve their emotional intimacy?
If you’re feeling like this, you don’t need to hit the eject button just yet!
Couples can amp up their emotional intimacy in so many ways, and while there are no quick fixes, taking the time to connect in person is a great place to start.
“Building emotional intimacy is a gradual process,” says Caruso.
“Approach it with patience and a commitment to making small, consistent efforts every day to connect more deeply, then acknowledge and celebrate any progress. Recognizing and appreciating small victories can encourage continued effort and growth.”
Start by going beyond your usual ‘How are you?’ messaging, using the Paired app to dive a little deeper—sparking meaningful conversations that boost your emotional intimacy every day.
If you’re struggling to forge that connection, it can be helpful to seek help from a mental health professional or consider couples counseling.
“Couples therapy can provide tools and strategies for improving emotional intimacy,” says Caruso.
“A therapist can help identify underlying issues and facilitate healthier communication patterns.”
How to build emotional intimacy in your relationship, according to Laura Caruso
Create an open line of communication. Schedule regular check-ins to discuss feelings, needs, and experiences openly. Truly listen and respond to your partner compassionately.
Be willing to share your fears, insecurities, and personal stories. Vulnerability can strengthen trust and deepen emotional bonds.
Spend meaningful time together, and participate in activities you both enjoy. Prioritize one-on-one time to reconnect and strengthen your relationship.
Focus on truly understanding your partner’s emotions and perspectives. Show empathy and validate their feelings without judgment or interruption.
Regularly acknowledge and express gratitude for your partner’s efforts and qualities. Simple gestures of appreciation can reinforce emotional closeness.
Address disagreements with a willingness to understand each other’s viewpoints and find solutions together. Avoid blame and focus on collaborative problem-solving.
Build and cherish new memories together through shared activities, travel, or hobbies. These experiences can enhance your connection and create a sense of togetherness.
Be consistent and reliable in your actions. Trust is fundamental to emotional intimacy, so honor your commitments and be honest in your interactions.
