How to be a better boyfriend, 20 expert tips
When you find the person you love, instinctively, you want to be the best partner you can possibly be—just to see a smile on your loved one’s face.
If that journey has led you to try and learn how to be a better boyfriend, whether because you haven’t been recently or not, we’re here to help you.
When it comes to being a good partner, we tend to gender our responses, tailoring the specifics of what it means to be a good girlfriend vs what it means to be a good boyfriend. While we believe that the fundamentals remain the same, looking at it with a gendered lens can actually help us, as emphasized by a relationship expert.
“Acknowledging gender is incredibly important when it comes to improving relationship dynamics. Men and women are socialized differently, which leads to significant differences in behavior in adult relationships,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“Even further, people who don’t identify with the male/female labels may have been socialized in a way they don’t (or never) resonate(d) with, which also impacts adult behavior. Regardless of identity, it’s important to acknowledge self-limiting patterns that result from socialization—doing so will greatly improve your relationship.”
No matter your sexual or gender orientation, we hope that our tips can help you become the best partner in your relationship that you can possibly be—with the help of our expert guide.
What makes a great boyfriend?
Many things go into being a great boyfriend, but they may not be what you think.
Pop culture might convince you that being the perfect boyfriend goes hand in hand with huge bouquets of flowers, love letters, and show-stopping displays of affection. However, in actuality, it’s much simpler than that—with the best boyfriends aware that happiness is truly located in the little things.
“Whether you’re deep into a committed relationship or just testing the waters in the dating pool, the underlying qualities that lead to a strong partnership remain the same: consistency, attention, and respect,” says Caruso.
“Being a great boyfriend isn’t about grand gestures or bold promises—it’s the small and consistent actions that contribute to a healthy, loving, and sustainable relationship.”
If our model subjects were told to write a manual on ‘how to be a good boyfriend’, it all centers around meeting your partner’s needs, being a good listener, cheering them up when they’re having a bad day—consistently making an effort to make their partner feel loved and understood.
These are all qualities of a good boyfriend, with small gestures and acts of kindness depending on the individual relationship.
What is the list of standards for a boyfriend?
Everyone has different expectations of what they want from a relationship, depending on their needs and the kind of future they’re hoping for.
Beyond the desire for the bad boyfriend stereotype, most people want to find a good partner who they enjoy spending time with, who they can rely on, and who they can imagine themselves with long-term. There are a million additional extras that we all look for, whether that’s ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ or someone who can make you laugh—but the basics remain the same.
Some non-negotiables from a boyfriend include someone respectful, kind, funny, who shares your values, a good communicator, and ideally, someone who makes you want to be a better person yourself. These are the hallmarks of any great relationship and are not things to be compromised on.
How can I become a better boyfriend?
When you’re in a happy relationship, it’s natural to want to be the best partner you can be to your significant other. It’s also important to not just want to be a better boyfriend when things go wrong or you’re on the verge of a breakup but to want to continuously nurture and foster a successful relationship.
Wanting to become a better partner is a positive step, as you make a conscious effort to meet your loved one’s needs. This isn’t just about learning what their favorite flowers are, but going much deeper than that, understanding their attachment style, and love language, and learning how to boost their self-esteem.
“Personal growth is a continual process,” says Caruso.
“Life and relationships are dynamic, and each stage presents new challenges that may require you to adapt. The best relationships are maintained through ongoing effort and investment in the partnership.”
Getting to this deeper level is made much simpler with the Paired app, facilitating a path to being a better partner every day. As a society, we put so much emphasis on falling in love, but little on the skills required to stay in it. After the rush of falling in love fades and couples enter the more committed stage, even the most dedicated couples will inevitably face challenges.
Our vision is a world where every couple can stay in love long-term—with the Paired app being there every step to help couples along their relationship journey.
Paired creates a fun, safe space for couples already in love to explore their relationship, get to know one another in new ways, and ultimately get even closer. With daily expert-backed conversation starters and advice, couples can foster healthy communication—building the key relationship skills essential to emotional connection.
What are some tips on being a good boyfriend?
Connect daily: No matter if you’re miles apart or sitting next to each other on the couch every evening, you should be making an effort to connect daily. This doesn’t mean small talk about the washing up, but an intentional effort to check in and connect on a deeper level with your partner. (The Paired app counts too!)
Self-reflect, often. “Think about your current behavior and attitude in the relationship,” says Caruso. “Ask yourself what areas you think need improvement, or consider asking your partner for feedback.”
Learn their love language: While love languages aren’t an exact science, they can teach you how to show interest and affection in the right way. For example, if her love language is physical affection, she might just need a cuddle at the end of a long day. Or someone who appreciates acts of service might jump for joy if you show up with their groceries or fix their squeaky door.
Open a line of communication. “Discuss your intentions to improve with your partner, which helps strengthen trust and accountability. It also shows your commitment to the relationship,” says Caruso.
Active listening: Following on from healthy communication, it’s about really giving them your undivided attention when you’re with them. Remember the things they say, it’s simple but it matters.
Non-verbal communication: The concept of listening expands across the board, including listening to their body language and reciprocating that. Also, lots can be said through a simple touch—whether a hug, a hand-hold, or a forehead kiss.
Don’t underestimate date night: Date night allows couples to really connect, without distraction or other people getting in the way. Put your phone away and really focus on just connecting and cherishing that time together. It doesn’t need to be big or fancy to really mean a lot!
Set realistic goals. “Identify specific areas for improvement and set achievable goals,” says Caruso. “Whether it’s improving how you handle conflicts, being more attentive, or expressing affection, concrete goals can guide your efforts.”
Empathy: Everyone is different. Something that might not affect you could have a huge impact on your partner. Tune into their emotional responses and be empathetic to their feelings, making an effort to understand where they’re coming from.
Validation: This goes hand in hand with empathy, as validation is central to a healthy relationship. Never dismiss their feelings, instead validate their emotional response, acknowledge it, and keep it in mind for the future.
Commit to learning. “Educate yourself on healthy relationship dynamics,” says Caruso. “Read books, listen to podcasts, or go to therapy. Learn concrete skills in the areas of communication, emotional intelligence, and relationship building.”
Follow through. “Share things you learn with your partner and intentionally practice these new relationship skills,” says Caruso.
Trust: Foundational to all human relationships, trust is earned with every action. Instead of just saying that your partner can trust you, show them. This doesn’t mean showing them your text message history or exposing your Instagram following, it’s through all those little actions that reassure your partner they can rely on you.
Gratitude: Your partner should never feel like they’re being taken for granted. Don’t keep those words of affirmation or appreciation to yourself, express it.
Regular check-ins: How do you know if you’re being a good boyfriend? It’s simple, ask! Check in with your partner and see how you’re doing, if you’re meeting their needs, and if they’re meeting yours.
Consistency: Making an effort to be a better boyfriend shouldn’t be a fleeting pastime, it should be a daily routine. Be consistent with your words and actions to build a healthy relationship.
Steer clear of codependency: As admirable as it is to want to be the best boyfriend possible, it doesn’t mean relying solely on your partner for validation and companionship.
Take care of yourself: It’s important to not get so caught up in making your partner happy, that you forget about looking after your own well-being. While you’re making such an effort to be a good boyfriend, they should be making an equal effort to make you equally happy.
Personal growth: The best way to be a good boyfriend? Work on yourself. Channel equal energy into both your relationship and your self—it’s not selfish, it’s healthy. By working on yourself, you can be the best version of yourself, and in turn be the best partner you can be.
Consider therapy: Therapy shouldn’t be seen as a last-ditch effort or as a kind of failure. There is great strength in asking for professional help, with couples therapy (or individual therapy) giving you the tools and structure you need to create a healthy relationship.
How do I train my boyfriend to be better?
The concept of ‘training’ your boyfriend to be better is sadly a common thought process as if you can change and mold your partner into what you want them to be.
“The idea of “training” a boyfriend, or any partner, is problematic for obvious reasons—or at least I hope this is obvious. It suggests a dynamic where one person is trying to control or change the other, which can undermine the foundation of mutual respect and equality that create healthy relationships,” says Caruso.
This can be a very toxic thought process on many levels, as you might be willing to accept bad behavior while hoping one day you can make them ‘change’.
“If your boyfriend isn’t up to par with your standards, why are you with him?” asks Caruso.
“Reflecting on why you remain in a relationship where your fundamental needs aren’t being met can reveal a lot about what you value and expect from a partner. It might be that these expectations are unspoken, and your partner is unaware of them. In this case, open and honest communication can bridge the gap between expectation and reality. Discussing your needs clearly might give your partner a chance to understand and adjust their behavior accordingly.”
This is why it’s so important to establish your own emotional needs, boundaries, and dealbreakers prior to entering a relationship—so you can be very clear about what you want and don’t want from your partner.
This also gives your partner a starting point on how they can be a great boyfriend or partner to you, and if you’re compatible on all of these levels.
“However, if these needs remain unmet even after addressing them, it might be worth considering if you are truly compatible,” says Caruso.
“Staying in a relationship where your fundamental needs are not met can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and a feeling of emotional neglect over time.”
Many people might wait around hoping that things will get better or that their partner will change, sidestepping the possibility of a breakup. However, while it might seem like giving up, sometimes ending the relationship is actually the best alternative if you’re both unhappy or unfulfilled.
“Ultimately, the goal is to find a balance between what you need from a relationship and what you’re receiving,” says Caruso.
“It’s healthy to evaluate periodically if the relationship contributes positively to your life and aligns with your long-term happiness. If it doesn’t, it may be time to rethink the relationship’s future. Everyone deserves a partner who not only meets their standards, but respects and cherishes them.”
